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The Tea Maker
I accept that none of us can be in four places at once but that’s not what I meant. What I meant was that there are only four smart choices open to you if you were looking for somewhere intelligent to be on New Year’s Eve. I will not keep you waiting, Dorset was not on my fucking list.
To remain in Dorset for New Year’s Eve is to admit to the world you are the saddest of the sad. Personally, I could never spend New Year’s Eve anywhere near Dorset. You would have a better time, and your street cred would remain relatively intact, if you sat in front of your television, alone, with one can of flat lager and watched a DVD starring scientology actor Tom Cruise before sloping off to bed, sober, around ten thirty.
No, for a real New Year’s Eve party, and still find yourself in England, you have to be in London. New Year’s Eve is about massive crowds, ear shattering music and a fireworks spectacular on a global scale. Newcastle tries hard to achieve a similar effect most Saturday nights but this is entirely different. For England on 31st December, it has to be London.
But who wants England when the rest of the world is calling? Why brave the rain and cold when you could be knee deep in snow and really freezing temperatures on Times Square, New York? You’ll have to be there early if you want to get a good site, but the party atmosphere is incredible and you really do feel as if you’re in a different country – which you are, of course. You’ll almost certainly be mingling with the rich and famous but, hey, it’s America, it’s Times Square and it’s New Year’s Eve so everyone will be rich even if they’re not famous. But don’t worry, they let poor folks party too.
You don’t like the cold? Great, because that’s why they invented transportation to Australia in the 18th century, so that they could get on with building Sydney Harbour and start one of the best New Year’s Eve parties on the planet. It’s a perfect amphitheatre, with the bridge on your left and the opera house on your right. You’ll be one of a million people in the city and they claim another 1 billion TV viewers around the world. The whole thing lasts almost thirty six hours but that’s because it’s warm and you can have a nap every now and again.
Back in the UK your other choice is, of course, Scotland. In Edinburgh, their Hogmanay Events run over four fucking days so you have to be able to pace yourself. That’s why the Scots train hard throughout the year and that’s why they get an extra day’s official holiday on 2nd January, plus two unofficial ones on 3rd & 4th, plus a week off sick if things have been particularly good. Edinburgh is the best place for tourists to cut their teeth on a Scottish Hogmanay because everything happens in a clearly defined area. Glasgow is different. The whole city is as clearly defined as things get. But for fuck’s sake, don’t go near the Highlands. Their New Year celebrations started just after Guy Fawkes Night and could still be going until Burns Night arrives on 25th January.
So, take your pick. Be one of ‘A few good men’ with Tom Cruise in Dorset or fuck Dorset, take a month off and lose January completely from your life.
But don’t go near the fucking Highlands.
The Tea Maker
PS: You can comment on this story by emailing me at [email protected] and I’ll respond to your emails in next week’s column. Your email address will never be published.
