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The Tea Maker
We’re a nation of lazy slobs. I read that somewhere. It was probably in a confidential email sent by the DWP to ATOS. But it doesn’t really matter where I read it, it’s true, and that’s all that matters because it gave me an idea for a new business venture.
The Ultimate Personal Stand-In (UPSI)
My customer promise will be that I do things so you don’t have to. But I’m not one of those run of the mill personal assistant types who just do your admin work. You can hire anyone to do that crap. UPSI is different because UPSI really does become your personal stand-in when it comes to doing the things you really hate.
When you forget your anniversary, I won’t just take your wife a bunch of flowers, I’ll take her out for an anniversary meal and on to a West End show of her choice. You can spend an evening with your mates watching the final on a big-screen TV in the pub. Tell me that’s not value for money at any price. But this is one of the easier services UPSI will be providing. Read on for the truly remarkable stuff.
Get cool with failure
You know there are things that you will ultimately fail at. Sticking to your diet is one of them. Giving up smoking is another one. Getting off the drink and staying off is another. Well UPSI will help because you don’t have to do any of these things ever again. If you know you are going to fail, why try? It’s because you’ve told your friends you’re going to do it. It’s because society expects you to give it your best shot. But now you can tell your friends you’ve outsourced this crap to UPSI. They’ll think you’re sooooo fucking cool.
You know the sort of thing I’m talking about here. The things you just can’t handle psychologically. Like when your pet is sick and it has to be euthanized. Call me. UPSI will take it to the vet to be put down. You can stay at home and get pissed.
You shall go to the ball
Some things just get in the way, don’t they? A distant relative dies and leaves you a large inheritance. You feel guilty because you didn’t visit as often as you could have. You know you should be grieving but, there again, you’ve come into a fair amount of money and you booked your holiday months ago. UPSI is the ultimate personal stand-in. I’ll do the things that you don’t have to. Let me do the mourning and grieving for your sad loss. You can fuck off on your pre-booked holiday with your surprise inheritance without any feelings of guilt to get in the way of your celebrations.
UPSI is also for fitness and health
We often feel that outsourcing our admin work or our accounts or computer maintenance is as far as we can go. Be creative. Think beyond the normal things to those you know you really have to do but really do not want to touch with the proverbial barge pole.
Early mornings at the gym? Why put yourself through this type of pain and suffering? Tell me what type of body you want and what your deadlines are and I’ll deliver it straight to your door.
Visits to a counsellor? Of course you don’t need to go yourself. I’ll go and report back to you. Having a busy schedule and a bipolar condition is enough for anyone to cope with. You don’t need counselling appointments thrown into the mix when you can just as easily offload it.
Minor procedures
Colonoscopy? Hospitals seldom check who it is they are dealing with. After all, who would expect someone to send a stand-in for a colonoscopy or any one of a dozen or so other minor procedures? This is what UPSI is all about and you’ll probably get a better outcome than you would if you turned up for the procedure yourself.
So, think outsourcing. Think UPSI.
Get in touch today with your ideas and suggestions for what you might want to outsource in your life.
The Tea Maker
PS: You can comment on this story by emailing me at [email protected] and I’ll respond to your emails in next week’s column. We’ll never publish your email address.
