So Michael hears a parcel coming in the post and he runs downstairs and he shouts to Shakira (his wife), ‘Amazing, the Olympic condoms have come, and I’m going to wear the gold one tonight!’ And Shakira says, “Well, why not wear the silver one, and come fucking second for a change!’”
While you are here:
“I went to a bookstore and asked the salesperson, ‘Where’s the self-help section?’
She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.”
A man at a funeral asks the widow, “Mind if I say a word?”
She nods.
He stands and says, “Plethora.”
She replies, “Thanks. That means a lot.”
“I have the body of an 18-year-old.
I keep it in the fridge.”
A joke becomes a dad joke when it becomes apparent.
I asked the librarian if the library had books on paranoia.
She whispered, “They’re right behind you.”
The problem with political jokes is they get elected.
I asked my doctor if I could administer my own anaesthetic.
He said, “Sure, knock yourself out.
I was going to tell a time-travel joke.
You did not like it.
Two parrots are sitting on a perch.
One says, “Can you smell fish?”
Do you believe in clubs for young people?”
“Only when kindness fails.
My wife and I were happy for twenty years.”
“Then what happened?”
“We met.
An accountant applies for a job.
The interviewer asks, “What’s two plus two?”
The accountant closes the door, lowers his voice, and asks, “What do you want it to be?”
I thank you.
