Hello dear readers. I have been absent from the pages of Dorset Eye for a few weeks but with good reason. I have been going through personal changes and, after a couple of weeks at a rural retreat offering a mixed bag of therapies, I’m happy to report that I have emerged as a new person.
Some readers will see this change as an unnecessary transformation and may possibly accuse me of turning my back on the Dark Side, where I’ve been living happily and cantankerously for so many years. But, for me, the change is long overdue.
I was being viewed as a negative person, an angry and opinionated individual with nothing good to say about anyone or anything. My thinking was too narrow and I was rightly being accused of getting things completely wrong. Now, with the various therapies slowly taking effect on me, I am beginning to see things in a different light. I have become more sensitive, more positive and more tolerant of the world and those who occupy it.
So much to praise
I am sure that many of you will understand my need for change and will applaud my efforts. On the other hand, some regular readers of Dorset Cream Tease will be totally shocked and think I’m fucking deranged, but I hope you will stay with me as I now believe that I have much more to offer you by way of advice, guidance and a positive outlook on life. Let’s face it; we have all been far too irritable and bad tempered. We have been complaining about things that are bordering on the irrelevant when there is so much goodness we could be praising. We’ve been picking on people like the Government, cyclists and dog acts on Britain’s Got Talent. It’s all wrong!
No, I have not been drinking! In fact, part of my therapy sessions at the All Change Retreat, and a personal target of mine, was to dry out completely and to herald in a teetotal future. Needless to say, I fucked up big time with this objective but I am positively delighted that I am now able to function on a weekly ration of only two litres of Smirnoff (even though it is now available in five litre bottles for those who are interested.) My family and friends are now coming to terms with this failure as they make every effort to accept me for what I am. But the important thing is that I have accepted myself and, despite this setback, I have a growing respect for my own efforts. Besides, two weeks of intensive residential therapy can only achieve so much.
A distinct possibility
Personally I am delighted with all that I did manage to achieve. My tolerance of others has increased almost beyond measure. I hardly ever complain about bad customer service. Even when faced with atrocious customer service, such as you might expect from W.H. Smith (bottom of the retail pile in Which? Magazine… again!) I have been restricting my responses to polite and constructive feedback. This is a marked difference to my previous approaches where ripping out the manager’s fucking throat was a distinct possibility. Looking back, I can’t believe that I let some of these retail morons upset me but, that’s ok, because the future looks both calm and cool.
Another personal achievement has been a huge reduction in my use of bad language, especially when I am feeling angry or frustrated by something. You may already have noticed that this is not something I can claim to have perfected yet, but I can see the time when it will eventually stop altogether. Because of my nightmares, the exact time and date for giving up has to be after the 2015 general election. I know this may seem a long time off and not very positive as far as personal commitments are concerned but that’s not really the point, is it? No, the point is that I will reducing my use of swear words just when everyone else in the country will be cursing like fuck because some total fucking arseholes, from whom the vote should be withdrawn, have put their crosses in the wrong boxes… again.
How did I do it?
Anyway, I do hope you will support me in my new life with all the positive vibes it will bring to Dorset Eye. Next time, I’ll explain exactly what was involved in my two weeks of rigorous and exhaustive therapy as I suspect that many of you will want to follow in my calm and positive footsteps towards an optimistic future. Until then, may peace and understanding be your goals.
The Tea Maker
PS: You can comment on this story by emailing me at [email protected] and I’ll respond to your emails in next week’s column. We’ll never publish your email address.
“Dorset Cream Tease is where you’ll find the relaxing, maddening, hilarious and bewildering stories, gossip and rants that help all of us to cope with life in Dorset. Everything you read here will be 90% true (almost). So get yourself hooked by visiting every week, and feel free to comment or add your thoughts by emailing me at [email protected]”
The Tea Maker
