“Dorset Cream Tease is where you’ll find the relaxing, maddening, hilarious and bewildering stories, gossip and rants that help all of us to cope with life in Dorset. Everything you read here will be 90% true (almost). So get yourself hooked by visiting every week, and feel free to comment or add your thoughts by emailing me at [email protected]”
The Tea Maker
A tale of two hernias
Last year I had a hernia. I knew it wasn’t life threatening but I went to see my doctor to get some advice and sympathy.
“I have a hernia” I said
“How do you know that?” he asked
“The lump gave it away” I said
“I’ll refer you to the hospital where you’ll see a surgeon. He’ll know what to do.”
Four weeks later I got a letter from the hospital and off I went to see a surgeon.
“I have a double hernia” I said
“How do you know that?” he asked
“The two lumps, one each side, gave it away.”
“The notes from your doctor say you only have one lump.”
“That was a month ago. I’m accident prone. Now I have two” I explained
The surgeon checked me out and announced, “I think you only have one hernia plus something else. I’ll send you for an ultrasound to see what the something else is.”
Three weeks later I got another letter from the hospital and off I went to see the Ultrasound Guy.
“Hi,” I said, “I have a double hernia but the surgeon thinks I have one hernia plus something else. Can you tell me and the Surgeon who’s right?”
The Ultrasound Guy did what Ultrasound guys do and announced, “You’re both right. You have a hernia plus something else.”
“So, what’s the something else?” I asked.
He smiled and said, “Another hernia.”
I smiled back at him and confirmed, “So, it’s a double hernia then?”
“Yup!”
A couple of weeks later I got another letter from the hospital telling me I had to go and see another surgeon so off I went to see him.
“I’m the guy with the two hernias that your boss thought was only one hernia plus something else” I said.
“We’re going to operate. Sign here!” he said
“Today?”
“No. You’ll hear from us” he said
“Is that it?” I asked. “Is that all I got dressed up for?”
“That’s it. You can leave now.” So I left.
A few weeks later I got another letter, which I expected to contain my appointment date for surgery. But, no, it said I had to see another surgeon, one I hadn’t seen before and possibly the only surgeon in the NHS I had never met.
I called the appointment desk and asked, “Is this absolutely necessary?”
“Yes”
“Why”
“Because this is the surgeon who will be carrying out the operation”
“Ok!”
The next day I got another letter saying that the surgery would take place at the end of September (five months away). The day after that I went to see my operating surgeon.
“Why am I here?” I asked
“So that I can explain the operation to you.” he said
“Go ahead,” I said, and he explained
“I’m angry” I said
“Why?” he asked
“Because of the number of doctors I’ve had to see and because of the time it takes to get a simple hernia fixed.” Then I announced, “I want to make a complaint.”
“What kind of complaint” he asked
“An official complaint, and preferably a noisy one.” I said
“Can you leave all this with me? He asked, “I’ll get back to you soon.”
“Ok!” I said, and left.
Two weeks later I got a letter to say that my operation had been rescheduled for July. When I got there, it was another surgeon. I’d never seen him before.
“I thought you were meant to see me before you operated.”
“That’s what I’m doing.” He said smugly.
He then asked me to stand up and drop my trousers. Then he made crosses where the hernias were with a felt tipped pen.He explained that they would be difficult to see when I came into the operating theatre flat on my back.
I took the felt tipped pen, drew two big arrows that pointed towards his two big crosses and wrote HERNIA next to each of them. He looked at me as if I was crazy.
“Just in case you forget what you’re cutting me open for,” I said, smugly.
The Tea Maker
PS: You can comment on this story by emailing me at [email protected] and I’ll respond to your emails in next week’s column.
