I read a lot of research as part of my work. A paper published in the Journal of Retailing and Consumer Services I ploughed through this week really got all my brain cells firing. This article could be held as a recipe for bankrupting a posh shop …like Waitrose! I’m going to go through a fictional scenario now that should illustrate how to drive that pit of middle class despair in Poundbury under in a few weeks.
Wanted – everyone on benefits or Tax Credits in Dorchester and Weymouth…
Before beginning this assignment you are not to wash or shave for a week, and don’t wash your clothes for that time either. Bring your kids too – the more the merrier! If you can keep the baby going in her morning nappy for a few extra hours and only change it after you’ve been, then that will add to the atmosphere.
(There are a few thousand people in this situation, and I really don’t wish to denigrate you as I am actually one of you. I might shave if I’ve a meeting with someone that week, and I’ve been known to wear the same pair of jeans for a week. Washing? When I can be bothered! Such is the life of a writer!)
The secret research funders will pay your bus fares to get to the Waitroses in Poundbury and Dorchester. For the period of the project, that could last a couple of months, you are only allowed to do your weekly shop at Waitrose. Fags and booze can only be bought there as well.
All families must go shopping together. Yup – Mum, Dad, and kiddies have to get involved in the project.
The theory #1
The research paper found that shoppers at luxury brands will gravitate somewhere where they see others that they identify with. The paper suggested that this is an act of mindfulness where the upwardly mobile’s brain is electrified by seeing similar, upwardly mobile people in a shop.
This is why we want everyone on benefits in the two towns to shop at Waitrose. This also is why we don’t want you to wash, shave or clean your clothes.
Assignment continued…
When you enter Waitrose with your kids in tow, be bold! Ask where the White Lightning cider is in the booze aisle, and don’t be afraid to loudly point out that you can’t afford the Chateau Lafitte swill. Offer your children the San Pellegrino Grapefruit pop (only £4 per 6 pack) and measure their responses.
Don’t be afraid to ask for the Waitrose Essential brand of every type of product they sell. “Have you got any Waitrose Essential ham with jelly on it instead of that posh Italian shit please?” Offer your children Kentish cobnuts and if they don’t know what these are, let them ask a pensioner standing nearby… The old folk know what they are, and could tell a story or two. If they are a metre or two away, don’t walk up to them (they may feel threatened) so shout loudly so they can hear. If you see anything in an aisle you don’t understand or know what it is, shout to the nearest person. “Oy, bloke in the suit! What’s this for?”
The theory again
The research suggested that an attractive person picking up a product can make others in the same shop want to do the same.
The assignment continued…
Remembering you haven’t shaved for a week or two and your clothes are humming with all that body odour and those stains, during busy spells in the supermarket, examine all the special offers. Feel those avocados… Smell the Waitrose One brand coffee!
The final bit of theory – don’t want to fry your brain…
The paper suggested that customers hate being touched – by each other or the partners working at Waitrose. Indeed, this is such a faux pas that you could lose their custom altogether.
Back to work!
There are laws on sexual touching and assault. Yes, the PR girl in the queue for the checkout probably has a body you could only be able to touch in your dreams – keep it that way! Don’t use your body to touch in any way.
That leaves the shopping trolley and shopping basket. Those queues in busy times can be constantly moving and dynamic places and touching could be considered unavoidable if the shop’s security questioned you! Don’t be afraid to bump into someone as you choose between flavours of pesto either. They will understand you have to work out carefully what pestos there are, and how you could enliven your pasta dish with them after all… Encourage your kids to push the trolley, especially in busy periods in the shop. This will maximise trolley contact with your fellow customers.
Finally, secrecy is key…
If anyone speaks of this project we’ll make up some believable rubbish to tell the fraud teams of your tax credits or benefits providers. No one likes to be investigated (I have three times and it is no bloody joke). The reason we say this is that we are after absolute secrecy.
The idea is to make the local shoppers believe that Waitrose has gone so far downmarket as to be intolerable. They may discover Sainsburys in Weymouth, or even the Brace of Butchers next door (the best shop in Poundbury, a stone’s throw from the worst!) – instead of all the money going up that London, the Brace of Butchers can pump it into the local economy. Sainsburys? They are owned by the Qatar Royal Family which funds ISIS…
Week by week, the terrified locals will stop shopping at Waitrose until the great day when the John Lewis Partnership gives in and closes that place. Your mission will be complete and the secret funders will send you on a two week all inclusive holiday the following summer. Good deal?
For us in Poundbury? We can walk in Queen Mother’s Square without fear of being mown down by a psychotic Audi driver as he races from Waitrose to his office 200 metres up the road. Who knows? It may even become quiet and tolerable during the day…
………………………..
Oh shit, I’ve told you my plans. Guess it won’t happen… For now…?!
Pounbury Denizen
