The three best things about going on holiday are planning your trip, actually being away for a couple of weeks in the sun and, possibly at the top of the list, reporting back to your family and friends when you return home about how horrendous your flights were.
The problem, however, is getting the jargon right when relating your story, so here is a short lesson on aviation terminology, which should spice up your storytelling when you get back home – if you get back home.
Aviation Accident
It’s only called an Accident if someone is killed but they have to be killed between the time they board the plane ‘with the intention of flying’ and the time when all those who have flown in the plane have disembarked. So, if for any reason you find yourself on a flight to Tenerife or any other sunshine destination when you were really intending to be on a coach to Blackpool, and if the plane crashes and you are the only one to die, it’s not classed as an Aviation Accident because you weren’t meant to be there. Unless…
…the plane sustains damage or structural failure, goes missing or is completely inaccessible.
Personally, I can think of a few situations when all of these situations might arise on a holiday flight and, if you can set aside the fact that you might be the one who is thrown headlong at 200 mph down the aisle, through a major bulkhead, into the pilot’s cabin and onwards through the windscreen, you have to admit that mentioning the words Aviation Accident is going to add a touch of drama to any holiday story you have to tell. “Fucking crash” just doesn’t have the same ring to it anymore.
Aviation Incident
This is defined as something that happens that isn’t an Accident but is worth taking note of. It could be something to do with the operation of the plane such as one of the wheels not dropping down when it should, or that both pilots have somehow managed to get pissed half-way across the Atlantic. It might also include someone with a weird look on his face declaring that he has a small nuclear device that he managed to smuggle unnoticed through security.
Incidents aren’t seen to be as serious as Accidents but I can imagine quite a lot of situations when Aviation Accidents must have began as Aviation Incidents that either weren’t noticed or got out of hand pretty fucking quick.
Hull Loss Accident
To you and me this is the same as any other Aviation Accident. I say this on the basis that some poor bastard, possibly you but just as likely me and potentially everyone else on board, is fucking wiped out. However, to the aircraft’s owners, and presumably to the insurance company, a Hull Loss Accident means that the plane is in such a fucking mess after hurtling into the ocean or mountainside that it has been damaged beyond repair and has to be written off.
By building these little snippets of terminology into your holiday flight stories, your family and friends, and the many long-term patients in the intensive care unit will be mightily impressed with your aviation knowledge.
Happy holidays and, in the unlikely event of…
The Tea Maker
PS: You can comment on this story by emailing me at [email protected] and I’ll respond to your emails in next week’s column. We’ll never publish your email address.
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The Tea Maker
