Dorset police today announced heightened security checks on the Dorset/Somerset border to counter the anticipated flood of badger immigrants after the restart of culling. A hundred officers are watching perceived hotspots between East Coker and Crewkerne and HGV drivers have been warned to check their trailers regularly to ensure Somerset badgers aren’t hiding inside. ‘This is a critical time’, said Superintendent Brian Jarvis, ‘we’ve always known that these vermin see Dorset as a land of milk, honey and really fat earthworms, not to mention the benefits available to them here. Specifically, not being shot on sight by state sponsored marksmen. Obviously they may get “accidently” shot occasionally and dumped on a verge as “roadkill“, but nothing like the danger they face on the other side of the border. Our current strategy is to check roads and pathways, but obviously we will need to start filling in tunnels if the situation deteriorates. Our Israeli police contacts are advising us on best practice for that’.
In a prepared statement released on the Somerset badger Twitter feed, @CuteStripeyFace&DefinitelyNoTB, Simon Groves, a Somerset badger and badger activist said ‘We demand equal badger rights to self determination with our blood brothers in Dorset. This is not about fear of being shot. Well maybe a bit. Come on, let us in, we’re cute and we get on really well with cattle’.
A spokesman for UKIP tutted loudly when asked for a comment.
Robin Armstrong is fifty and bloody feels like it. He was born and educated in Dorchester, Dorset, when Hardye’s School was more akin to Hogwarts than the office block it is now. He subsequently got lost in London for 25 years before finally finding his way back to the rural idyll in 2010
He now lives in the middle of nowhere and spends his life working and driving miles to buy a pint of milk. Any remaining time is dedicated to being a treatment resistant smoker, wine lover and occasional comedy writer. He is also a nurse, father, husband and general know-all.
He has no further ambitions in life and is allergic to IKEA and chickpeas.
