Prime Minister,
A DWP spokesgoblin has said that where advertisers don’t “play by the rules” on the Universal Mismatch website, the DWP cracks down on them. Yep, I can see that, with 350,000 jobs out of 700,000 turning out to be bogus and many scamming hard-up job-seekers out of money that they’ll now never see again, the DWP’s IT demons must be working night and day to be cracking down so heavily.
Most of those scammers are probably in Russia, so you could get the chaps in Afghanistan to take a quick trip up there on a weekend to sort them out for you. They could take a short-cut through Ukraine and save thousands of pounds in fuel costs.
I have thought of a good idea for Universal Mismatch though. With all these reports and death figures that you and Psychosmiffy are trying so hard to suppress, maybe you could advertise on the site for job-seekers to hide them on your behalf. You could pick out the required number of successful applicants from the hundreds of thousands who will add the vacancy to their job-search application registers, and then give them one report each hidden in one of Eric’s old biscuit tins. I’m sure you’ll appreciate the misdirection aspect of the idea in that little twist.
Pay the concealers at the end of each month at the rate that the adversely affected civil servant or Minister receives, for as many months as they manage to keep the reports away from the attention of the press. The longer they keep them hidden, the more they earn is the idea here. That way you’d never have to admit to anything AND you’d be paying over the minimum wage as a bonus for those job-seekers.
I mean, think about this a minute. At the moment when a report relating to a particular government department needs to be squashed – like the Immigration report for example – even the Daily Fail knows pretty much where 60% of the government’s departments are by now and that means they can head straight for them and get the low-down pretty quickly. If, on the other hand, you chose random job-seekers from the Universal Mismatch site, the press would have to search the whole of the UK – including Scotland while you still have hold of the reins. That would slow the press down easily by as much as a whole week and give the embarrassed officials a chance to skip the country till the heat had died down.
I’m surprised that one of your advisors hasn’t put this idea to you already. They could probably even tell you which airlines had child-friendly in-flight menus as well.
On the other hand, you can admit that the Universal Train Crash and Universal Mismatch are a complete waste of time and taxpayers’ money, and sack every single Minister who has had a hand in their design and maintenance, as well as their use as a tool in the application of mental cruelty against honest, innocent job-seekers who are trying their damnedest to find work in an employment desert. You could, thus, save the taxpayers far more millions of pounds in the long run than a complete write-off of this lunatic project would cost them today.
The thing doesn’t work, never has worked and never is going to work. You know it, Psychosmiffy & Co know it, and the public at large know it and are waiting for you to display some backbone and act like a leader of the nation instead of like George and Psychosmiffy’s puppet.
Sincerely,
Darren Lynch
https://www.mirror.co.uk/news/uk-news/universal-jobmatch-fakes-nearly-60-3211592
