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The Tea Maker
I remember my first day at Sunday School when I was introduced to all those amazing stories of lions and Christians, slavery and wars, rising from the dead and what Billy Connelly referred to as holy tricks, but what the rest of us call miracles.
I lapped it all up as if every story had come straight from the pages of a national newspaper and, therefore, had to be true. Even my Sunday school teacher was a local lawyer so that just added to the authenticity of the tales. How things have changed.
Last Sunday I met Charmaine, a neighbour’s small daughter. “Hi,” I said, “Where have you been?
“Sunday School.” She said, though she didn’t look very excited with the experience.
“Really? I remember when I went to Sunday School and heard all those great stories. Were you told stories today?” I asked.
“Yes.”
“So, what was your favourite? I asked.
She thought for a few moments before launching into her favourite Sunday School story.
“There was single mum who was called Jochebed. I think she was named after a Gold Cup winner. Anyway, there was also this king who was killing all the new kids that were born. He was also making everyone slaves so they would build a big extension to his palace. He was also cutting everyone’s benefits so the single mum couldn’t feed her baby boy and had to think of something fast. She eventually came up with a smart plan.
She took her baby boy down to the side of a lake where she had seen the king’s daughter, the princess, water skiing with her pals every Monday afternoon. When they’d finished skiing, they’d all come onto the beach, dry off among the palm trees and then sit around getting pissed.
So the mum thought, ‘If I put my little baby Moses in among the palm trees, maybe the princess will find him, fall in love with him, adopt him and bring him up as her own. He’d then be saved from a life of misery’ so that’s what she did.
The following Monday, the princess found Moses, fell in love with his cute little face and adopted him.
Moses grew up and became a handsome, powerful prince but he’d inherited his mother’s goodness and he hated to see how the wicked king was treating all the slaves so he confronted him about it. But Moses wasn’t stupid enough to confront him on his own. Oh no, he took his best pals with him and they were all bad arses who’d been in the marines, parachute regiment, revenue and customs and social work. To secure the entrances he deployed three mad bastards who had worked at check-in at Bournemouth Airport.
The terms were simple. The king would release all the slaves or he would die. Ten minutes later Moses and his team were loading the slaves into trucks and driving off into the desert. Ten minutes behind them was the king’s vicious army in hot pursuit.
And an hour later, to his utter dismay, Moses was confronted by the Red Sea.
“You’re a fuck-up!” screamed the slaves at Moses
“Shut it!” shouted the bodyguards as they surrounded Moses in a protective circle
Then Moses had a great idea. He got together all the slaves who were civil engineers and ordered them to build a bridge across the Red Sea. As they got to work, he strategically positioned the check-in girls from Bournemouth Airport to delay the king’s vicious army, charging them for extra baggage and confiscating all their sharp weapons, explosives, non prescription drugs, grenades and bottled water over 100ml. Half the army was turned away for having inappropriate photographic identification.
By this time, most of the slaves were across the newly built bridge but the remainder of the king’s vicious army were still giving chase. Not to be beaten at this stage of the game, Moses got his explosives experts together and, with the semtex the check-in girls had confiscated from the king’s vicious army, they blew the bridge to fuck and the baddies with it…”
“Woah! I’m sorry but I really have to stop you there, Charmaine” I said. “I know your story is a good one and I admit I’m getting excited and would dearly love to know what’s going to happen next, but is that really what they told you at Sunday School today?”
Charmaine looked at me as if I was crazy. “Of course not, “She said, “but if I told you what they told me, you’d never fucking believe it.”
The Tea Maker
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