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The Tea Maker
Why do the English hate to complain? There are two simple reasons for this. First of all, you’re not very good at it and, secondly, you don’t see it as a fun activity. But once you start having fun, you’ll become better complainers and life will become great again.
Here is simple Ten Point Plan. It doesn’t cover everything you need to be an expert but it will get you started.
1. Have Fun
If it’s not going to be fun, why do it? Since you’ve felt the need to complain, the chances are you’ll be angry, frustrated, deflated or generally pissed off, so why do something that’s not going to reverse this trend. Complaining should be seen as a game, not a war. So, when you start to fuck people about by complaining, the last thing on their minds is the fun factor. Therefore, you immediately have the upper hand if you adopt a fun factor mentality.
2. Go For Goliaths
Contrary to popular belief, it’s easier to take on a huge company or public sector organisation than it is to take on the local butcher, baker or candlestick maker. It’s much better and much more fulfilling to take on the big guys. They’re such back-stabbing bastards that everyone from the CEO down is looking over their shoulders. They’ve spent millions trying to build up a famous brand so it should be easy for you to get some media exposure for your cause. But it never usually comes to that – they usually break down much earlier than that.
3. Don’t Give Up
If they think you’ll give up at the first hurdle, or even the tenth hurdle, you may as well not bother. You must project an image of someone who will go as far as you need to, and beyond, to achieve your aims. You must convince them that you are their worst fucking nightmare, without actually using these words. You are in this for the long haul and you don’t give a damn how long that is or how much it will cost.
4. Communicate With The Enemy
If you don’t communicate, they’ll forget about you. Or rather, they’ll forget what your number is because that’s all you are to them, a number. Telephone them, email them and write letters to them but never, ever go to visit them. When communicating, always ask for people’s names – the person you’re speaking to, their boss’s name and their boss’s name, right up the line until you have the CEO’s name. Always send a copy of all correspondence to the CEO. CEOs hate being bothered by trivia (remember, you’re just a number and, therefore, a piece of shit) so bombard them with copies of everything. They usually get so pissed off that they stop opening your letters but, when you suspect this, put your letters in a greetings card, handwrite the envelope and mark it personal and confidential.
5. Think Ahead
When you complain, always ask for a response in writing but, before the response arrives, hit the CEO with more details of your complaint and say that you’ve been promised a response in writing and you’re still waiting. These guys all work in such large corporations that no one knows what the fuck is going on. So, when you throw additional letters at them before they have time to answer the last one, they get totally confused. Also, read all their letters carefully. These people usually can’t string three sentences together without tying themselves up in knots so their letters will usually contain stuff you hadn’t even thought of complaining about. Yes, you can thank the enemy for actually sending you ammunition to fire back at them.
6. Ask Questions
Never suggest a solution – that’s their job. Your job is to explain your position and to ask as many questions as possible. They don’t have to be relevant questions, just questions that will tie them up in some research for a day or two. Here are some to start with:
– Please confirm the name of your CEO.
– May I have a copy of your Mission Statement?
– Why are you doing this to me?
– Do you realise how much time and expenses you are incurring by not resolving this matter?
– Your website doesn’t have your Head Office telephone number. Please supply.
– By the way, are you the same (person’s name) that I met at Disney World last October?
I’m sure you can think of others. If so, let me know.
7. Use Google
If you use Google properly, you’ll find that lots of other people have complained about most large companies and public sector organisations. Root around and you’ll find lots of additional ammunition (and questions) to fire at them.
8. Repeat Things
Start every letter with a short history of what’s happened so far. The longer the situation remains unresolved, the longer your short histories will be. Remember that this is a game and that you’re here to have fun. You will come to realise that having fun is your first objective. The second objective is getting your problem resolved. Think about what you are trying to achieve. Think about it from their perspective – they are trying to get on with their work but they’re constantly bombarded by questions and complaints from a customer – all they want to do is get rid of you and, to do this, all they have to do is resolve your problem. By having fun, you’ll come up with lots of ideas that will help them realise this.
9. Get Your Facts Straight
This is an optional extra. Keep relatively close to the facts but don’t get bogged down in the small stuff. If you called them on 12th, say it was the 13th. If you spoke to Joline, say it was Mary Lou. But always make sure your records are factually correct. You must learn that there is a big difference between your detailed records and the stuff you pass to the company. Let them work it all out. If they say you actually spoke to Joline on 12th and not Mary Lou on 13th, ask them how they know this. When they reply, ask them what difference it makes.
10. Telephone Manners
Always be extra nice on the telephone. They record most calls and they’ll pull the plug on you if they feel that you’re an obnoxious and abusive type. Ask them for their advice on how best to get your problem resolved. Be smart and play dumb during telephone calls but never forget to ask them their name, position and lots of other questions. And take a note of the date and time of the call.
The Tea Maker
PS: You can comment on this story by emailing me at [email protected] and I’ll respond to your emails in next week’s column. Your email address will never be published.
