Some extracts from the election manifesto of the Monster Raving Looney Party and hope that it may alter your voting habits. These are as follows:
Education
· We will ensure schools place more emphasis on the ‘Four R’s (reading, writing, and rock and roll).
· We will make class sizes smaller by standing children closer together and giving them smaller desks.
· We will introduce selection and streaming in evening classes.
· Children who bunk off from school will be required to do community service as truancy officers.
Youth
· Actually, we don’t have any polices on youth. We think they’re probably better off without politicians interfering with them.
Health
▪ Free prescriptions will be made available for all, since it shouldn’t cost anyone to be sick.
▪ Complimentary medicine should be made available on the NHS. (We’re not so sure about complementary medicine)
Defence and Foreign Policy
· We believe that foreign policy is best left in the hands of our established Premiership football teams
· We will get rid of Trident. This will save a lot of forking about
· All bombs and guns will be kept in a fridge to stop them going off.
· All weapons of mass destruction (WMDs) will be made highly visible so they can be found more easily.
· We will extend political asylum to animals fleeing from persecution, particularly Spanish donkeys, French horses, Tunisian camels and Dutch veal calves.
Food and agriculture
· All food sold in fast food establishments will be required to be clearly marked ‘May contain traces of real food’. All vegetables sold in supermarkets, will be clearly marked ‘Strictly for oral use only’
· We will fund research into why crop-circles never appear in turnip fields.
· We will pump ‘Euro Wine’ lakes through the Channel Tunnel to a pond or reservoir near you.
· All GM foods will be made illegal and GM will be restricted to making cars.
Taxation
· If we really do have to have income tax, we will incorporate it into the National Lottery, so at least taxpayers will stand a chance of winning their money back.
· All taxpayers will receive Nectar Points on any tax they pay
· Stamp duty will be abolished. Stamps are expensive enough without having to pay duty on them.
Law and Order
· All police officers will be issued with mountain bikes, except those in the Flying Squad who will be issued with space hoppers. We are not happy about policemen sleeping on roads
· We will solve the problem of prison over-crowding by releasing all the innocent prisoners.
Transport
· All urban streets will have pram lanes.
· We believe that it is unfair that only zebras should have their own crossings. We shall give all animals their own crossings, starting with leopards.
· In order to prevent congestion on motorways, we will close all the motorways. In order to reduce congestion on other roads, cars will be required to run on Veno’s Cough medicine.
Sport
· Hunting with dogs will be reintroduced, but will be made fairer by allowing only one dog per fox.
· Supporting Manchester City and Chelsea will be made a criminal offence for those living outside of Abu Dhabi and Russia respectively.
· To make the game fairer, footballers in the top four Premiership teams will be required to play every second league game wearing carpet slippers. Also, the size of the goal mouth being defended will be increased in direct proportion to the amount of money spent by the club on the team’s players.
