“Dorset Cream Tease is where you’ll find the relaxing, maddening, hilarious and bewildering stories, gossip and rants that help all of us to cope with life in Dorset. Everything you read here will be 90% true (almost). So get yourself hooked by visiting every week, and feel free to comment or add your thoughts by emailing me at [email protected]
The Tea Maker
Even if you don’t particularly enjoy Xmas, you’ll love Boxing Day. This is mainly because Xmas is now gone and, if you’re one of the lucky ones, the hangover will have gone with it. Another reason to celebrate Boxing Day is that the shops are open again, so there is an opportunity to get a bargain and, at the same time, return the shit gifts you got the day before.
To organise the perfect Boxing Day, do not, under any circumstances, invite people to your house. Instead, accept all invitations to visit other people, but don’t actually go. Just get to the shops, get back home, lock the doors and be good to yourself. This is why it’s called Boxing Day – because you’re meant to lock yourself up in a little box and tell the rest of the world to fuck off.
The real meaning of Boxing Day
I apologise for that little fib. Boxing Day is not about locking yourself away from the world, though it ought to be, especially when you realise what it really is about. Yes, it’s about more fucking gifts. If you’re very poor, Boxing Day should be ok for you because Wikipedia tells us that it’s an old European tradition where the needy should receive small gifts (probably money) and servants and tradesmen should collect Xmas Boxes of money or presents as thanks for good services throughout the year. Like Xmas itself, things have obviously changed.
We no longer have servants as such and, if we did, we wouldn’t call them servants, not in Dorset anyway. What are they called in Dorset these days? Staff? Plebs? A couple who come in from time to time? What?
Customer service
As for giving a Xmas box to tradesmen who have provided a good service throughout the year is concerned, that is definitely something that has changed. I thought that “throughout the year” was the normal waiting time for the average electrician or plumber these days so there’s not much chance of presenting them with a fucking Xmas Box for great customer service, is there?
Forks only
The other amazing thing about locking yourself away on Boxing Day is all those leftovers. Now, I know that some people hate leftover food but I love it. Think about it, there’s usually no preparation involved. In fact, there’s usually no cutlery involved either and, if there is, it’s simply a fork. Even yesterday’s soup will have thickened up sufficiently to be eaten with a fork – yum, yum!
And you don’t sit down to an actual meal, do you? Of course not. You just graze all day long. Every time you feel like a little something, you go and get it. Or you leave all these ‘little somethings’ strategically positioned all over the house, so it doesn’t matter if you feel like one or not, you just have one whenever you pass by. Not only that, because you’re grazing, who cares in what order you eat things? Nobody! You can have some apple pie and ice cream when you feel like and, half an hour later, you can have a giant turkey sandwich. It’s fucking brilliant!
Film Guide
Television on Boxing Day is another thing that’s always better than it is on Christmas Day. This is because the programmers know that no one is watching on Christmas Day. Everyone is opening their presents and having their turkey dinners, they’re playing games and getting pissed. But on Boxing Day, people are in their little boxes and they want to be entertained. If you watch TV on Xmas Day all you get is Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, Willie Wanka and the Chocolate Factory and The Great Fucking Escape. No, TV is much better on Boxing Day.
So roll on Boxing Day when I can lock myself away without anyone telling me I’m a scrooge or shouting out Bah Humbug. Boxing Day is really Xmas without the hype and consumerism. Think about it – you’ve still got all the cards and tinsel, the food and the drink. But now you’ve got the peace and quiet and goodwill to all men.
The only downside is, you’ve now got to sit through the fucking holiday adverts.
The Tea Maker PS: You can comment on this story by emailing me at [email protected] and I’ll respond to your emails in next week’s column. Your email address will never be published.
