With frenzied debate still raging in South Africa following the verdicts in the Oscar Pistorius case, the legal system is bracing itself for the consequences of the case law generated. The new precedents set are as follows:
- It is illegal to lock a toilet door in case anyone needs to check who’s in there before discharging their fire arm
- It is illegal to stand in the way of a disabled man discharging a fire arm
- Discharging a fire arm in a restaurant is just a way of saying how much you enjoyed the lamb
- It is entirely lawful to kill blonde women if you ‘really, truly, honestly didn’t think you were doing it’
- Crying, raging, retching and collapsing are all fully accredited defences against a murder charge
- Nobody can be found guilty of murder if they are jolly upset about killing their victim
- Witness evidence along the lines of ‘I heard Reeva screaming out that Oscar was chasing her with a gun and she was clearly afraid he would kill her’ is clearly circumstantial hearsay and inadmissible under any circumstances. Particularly if the perpetrator is famous and white.
- An admission of guilt doesn’t mean you’re guilty
Speaking on behalf of the South African Law Society, Roost van Veerdun said ‘these are clearly going to be challenging times for prosecutors, particularly in high profile cases. However, for private defending attorneys, mildly psychopathic sportsmen and gun fanatics, it’s clover time. Fill your boots’.
Reports of an inexplicable buzzing noise throughout the region were put down to Nelson Mandela spinning in his grave.
Robin Armstrong is fifty and bloody feels like it. He was born and educated in Dorchester, Dorset, when Hardye’s School was more akin to Hogwarts than the office block it is now. He subsequently got lost in London for 25 years before finally finding his way back to the rural idyll in 2010
He now lives in the middle of nowhere and spends his life working and driving miles to buy a pint of milk. Any remaining time is dedicated to being a treatment resistant smoker, wine lover and occasional comedy writer. He is also a nurse, father, husband and general know-all.
He has no further ambitions in life and is allergic to IKEA and chickpeas.
