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Tall tales and epic fails

Prime Minister,

https://archive.today/bmsG3

We can always tell when your government has lined up to commit an epic FAIL, but no more so than when the scholarly author of a report stands up and refutes your Chief Secretary to the Treasury’s interpretation of his figures before your minion can even reach the podium!  When even the Financial times sees fit to report on the upcoming embarrassment, though, then it is time to start hunting in Roget’s for a term that will eclipse even “epic FAIL” as the internet does not yet have anything in its own developing lexicon to quite match the Twin-Tower-crumbling, Yellowstone erupting disaster that is about to unfold for the entertainment and enjoyment of the Pleb masses.  The bone-jellied squirming of your Mr Alexander is going to be an absolute joy to watch as he tries desperately to make sense of a hastily rewritten lie-sheet and adds more fuel to Scotland’s “Yes” vehicle.

The thing about spin, Prime Minister, is that those who practice it used to know where the line was drawn between it and outright lying.  Spin is the tool used by professional PR people to make things seem better than they are, whereas lies are the tool used by rank amateurs whose only experience of PR has been their appointment to PR jobs by influential relatives calling in favours, and who haven’t the sense to realise that the lies they tell will come back to bite them on their backsides within – thanks to the aforementioned internet – a matter of hours.

https://www.itv.com/news/story/2014-05-24/iain-duncan-smith-veto-universal-credit/
https://www.independent.co.uk/voices/comment/letter-from-the-whitehall-editor-iain-duncan-smith-has-failed-on-universal-credit-9442883.html

Of course, when even lying won’t help, there’s always the veto, as recently practiced by both IDS and your Office.  In his case it has to do with trying to forget what a complete calamity the Universal Train Wreck degenerated into after four years of him trying – and failing – to lie about it successfully.  Someone should tell him, though, that his new project – Universal Credit – is probably named a bit too similarly to his previous failure and is likely to be dragged down by “informed pessimism” or some other such creatively-worded negativity before it even gets going.  He’s only got a year to try and make it work in, you know, so he won’t want it going the same way as the UTW, for which the MPA had to dig below the basement archives in order to find a suitably derogatory word to classify it, will he?

Congratulations to him on the new book, by the way.  Three rave (or is it raving?) reviews on Amazon already.  Well done!

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Everything-I-Know-About-Poverty/dp/1494970775

I do hope that George can find his crayon-sharpener in time to get his “Everything I Know About Finance” out in time to catch the tail-wind of the sure success of Iain’s masterpiece and Michael Gove’s “Everything I Know About Teaching.”  I suspect George’s manuscript will be such a hot read that they’ll have to wrap it in a folded towel just to handle it.  In the matter of that crayon sharpening, though, someone please tell him that what he’s resting his feet on is sandpaper, and that actually his office isn’t fitted with an en suite beach.

Sincerely,

Darren Lynch

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