Never forget what it does to us!
Ah, politics on social media, where nuance goes to die and everyone has suddenly become a geopolitical strategist because they watched ten minutes of Question Time while scrolling Instagram.
Let’s talk about a special breed of digital philosopher: the ones who read a slanted headline, absorb it like a sponge in a sewer, and then spew it back out on social media as if it’s been handed down to them by some divine minister of truth.
Step 1: Read the Headline, Skip the Article
Proper political commentary begins and ends with the headline. Why waste precious energy reading the actual content when the bolded, oversimplified, and likely misleading title tells you everything you want to hear?
If it says “Woke Left to Ban Sausages”, then it must be true. No need to check the source, which is probably something like The Daily Outrage, sponsored by three oil barons and a tax-dodging hedge fund.
Step 2: Parrot the Propaganda
Now that you’re armed with this one spicy sentence, repeat it loudly and confidently on every post remotely related to politics. The trick is to act like you came up with it yourself.
For example:
“This country’s gone mad, can’t even say anything these days without the left cancelling you. Free speech is dead.”
Said, ironically, while posting freely on a public platform.
Step 3: Ignore All Counterpoints, Declare the BBC ‘Too Lefty’
If someone responds with actual facts, statistics, or heaven forbid, a link to something peer-reviewed, simply say:
“Typical lefty propaganda. BBC’s full of Marxists anyway.”
Yes, the British Broadcasting Corporation, funded by your own licence fee and famously grilled for being too neutral, is now a bastion of radical socialism. Makes perfect sense. You read it in the Telegraph, after all.
Step 4: Share Memes That Are Just Screenshots of Outrage
The quality of your sources should deteriorate rapidly. Start with a Piers Morgan rant, move swiftly to a meme with Comic Sans over a blurry photo of Winston Churchill, and finally settle into sharing pixelated screenshots of political “facts” with zero attribution.
If it includes a flag, a lion, or a bulldog wearing sunglasses, it’s certified truth.
Step 5: Anyone Who Disagrees Is a ‘Snowflake’
This is your nuclear option. When someone dares to bring logic, context, or empathy into the discussion, hit them with the ultimate intellectual rebuttal:
“Pipe down, snowflake. You’ve been brainwashed.”
Nothing says “I have no real argument” quite like accusing someone else of being indoctrinated while quoting a politician who once tried to expense a duck house.
Step 6: Romanticise the Past You Weren’t Even Alive For
Insist that things were “better in the 40s” even though your entire knowledge of the 40s comes from Dad’s Army reruns.
Say things like:
“Back then we had real values.”
Translation: You’re nostalgic for a time you didn’t live through, understand poorly, and would absolutely hate if you had to go without Deliveroo and fibre optic broadband.
Final Thoughts from the Echo Chamber
Social media isn’t about conversation anymore. It’s a theatre—where the audience only cheers when you say what they already believe and boos when challenged. Political nuance? Dead. Debate? Replaced with memes about bins and £350 million buses.
But don’t worry. Tomorrow’s front page will tell you what to believe next.
And you’ll shout it from the rooftops, or at least from your mum’s Wi-Fi.
🗣️ The Comment Section of Doom™
📰 Original Post:
“BREAKING: Government announces new climate initiative to reduce plastic waste and promote renewable energy sources.”
💬 AngryDave92
Great. Another WOKE distraction while our country goes down the drain. How about fixing the potholes first??!
36 likes • 4 laughing emojis
💬 Patriot_Paul
They can stick their solar panels where the sun don’t shine. This is how it starts—first no plastic straws, next thing you know we’re all eating bugs and saluting Brussels.
💬 VeganVeronica_
It’s literally a policy to reduce pollution and improve air quality. You breathe air, don’t you?
💬 AngryDave92 (Replying to VeganVeronica_)
Typical lefty snowflake response. Go knit yourself a lentil.
💬 BrendaFromAccounts
My grandson says solar energy is the future. He’s doing very well at college.
💬 UnionJackDan77
Brenda, with respect, your grandson probably studies gender unicorns. Back in my day we learned REAL subjects like woodwork and not crying.
💬 TheRealTruthSeeker89
WAKE UP SHEEPLE. This is all part of Agenda 2030. I did my own research. The Queen blinked sideways in 1997.
💬 GarethTheGardener
I just wanted to know if this means bin collection will be on Wednesdays now?
💬 Patriot_Paul (Replying to GarethTheGardener)
Exactly mate. First it’s the bins, next it’s your FREEDOM.
#WhereAreTheMenGone #BringBackThatcher
💬 Admin
⚠️ Comment removed for hate speech ⚠️
💬 AngryDave92 (Again)
Freedom of speech is DEAD. Can’t say anything these days without being silenced for telling the truth.
📣 Edited: 6 times
💬 YogaMum42
Does anyone know a good recipe for courgette brownies?
💬 TheRealTruthSeeker89 (Replying to YogaMum42)
Courgette is a UN invention. Just sayin’.
💬 UnionJackDan77 (Replying to himself)
I miss the Empire. Things worked then.
👍 1 Like (it was him)
💬 BrendaFromAccounts (Replying to Dan)
What on earth are you on about, Dan?
💬 AngryDave92 (Final word)
I’m off this app. Can’t even have a conversation anymore without being attacked by the tofu mafia.
Goodbye.
(He did not leave.)
🧠 Summary:
- 12 arguments started
- 4 people reported
- 3 conspiracy theories mentioned
- 0 minds changed
Top 50 Lies Told By Corporate Media Believed By Some:
“The country’s being overrun by immigrants!”
(Despite record-low asylum approvals and labour shortages.)
“Woke culture has gone mad!”
(Translation: someone used someone else’s preferred pronouns once.)
“We can’t say anything anymore!”
(Spoken loudly on a national platform, unironically.)
“The BBC is run by Marxists.”
(Despite being chaired by Tory and New Labour donors.)
“Refugees are living in 5-star hotels!”
(If you think a Travelodge off the M1 counts.)
“The EU banned bendy bananas.”
(They didn’t. Never did.)
“Brexit will save the NHS.”
(Cue hollow laughter from underpaid nurses.)
“Climate change is a hoax.”
(Yes, tell that to the flooded villages and melting ice caps.)
“Wind turbines kill birds.”
(So do cats. Where’s the cat outrage?)
“The left hates free speech.”
(But please don’t question the monarchy or St George, thanks.)
“Trans people are a threat to women’s safety.”
(This one’s especially vile and baseless.)
“There’s a war on Christmas.”
(Only in your head, mate. Still got your turkey, didn’t you?)
“The ‘woke mob’ cancelled Dr. Seuss.”
(Nope. The publisher made a choice. Capitalism. You like that, remember?)
“The Labour Party is full of communists.”
(Keir Starmer exists. Calm down.)
“Asylum seekers are all young men pretending to be kids.”
(That’s not how seeking asylum works. At all.)
“Teachers are indoctrinating your children.”
(Into… critical thinking? God forbid.)
“Brexit is going great.”
(Like a plane without wings, sure.)
“The left want to erase British history.”
(No, they want you to actually learn it, mate.)
“The Queen was secretly against lockdown.”
(Sure she was, based on literally zero evidence.)
“The UK is being run by Brussels bureaucrats!”
(Except, post-Brexit… it’s not? It is run by foreign corporations.)
“LGBTQ+ rights are political correctness gone mad.”
(Imagine being this upset by other people’s happiness.)
“Black Lives Matter is a terrorist organisation.”
(Absolutely false and offensive.)
“Inflation is caused by poor people wanting pay rises.”
(Not, say, corporate profiteering or energy giants?)
“The Tories are the party of fiscal responsibility.”
(£37bn on a failed Test & Trace system says hi.)
“Poverty is a personal failing.”
(No, it’s a systemic issue. But you knew that.)
“The left hates Britain.”
(No, they just hate corruption and bigotry. Big difference.)
“Muslims are taking over.”
(A tired racist trope with zero factual basis.)
“The NHS is safe in private hands.”
(Look around. Is it? Really?)
“The left wants open borders.”
(Nope. They just want fair, humane systems.)
“The UK economy is booming!”
(What, the same one with food banks in every town?)
“Strikes are unpatriotic.”
(Tell that to the miners, dockers, and every movement that built workers’ rights.)
“Wokeness caused the cost of living crisis.”
(Not the unchecked greed of energy and housing sectors?)
“No one wants to work anymore.”
(Translation: “No one wants to work for peanuts under me.”)
“Royal family = stability.”
(Let’s not even get into Andrew or Uncle Dickie.)
“The left wants to control your thoughts.”
(Projection, much?)
“You can change gender on a whim.”
(As if it’s like changing your socks.)
“Electric vehicles are worse for the environment.”
(Still cleaner than fossil fuel guzzlers.)
“Universities are brainwashing our kids.”
(With… facts?)
“British culture is under threat.”
(While you eat curry in front of Netflix.)
“Cuts don’t affect frontline services.”
(Ask literally anyone who uses them.)
“The rich create jobs.”
(Spoiler: demand creates jobs. Not yachts.)
“If you’re poor, just work harder.”
(Like all those nurses and teachers working 60-hour weeks.)
“Homeless people choose that life.”
(Absolutely disgusting and completely untrue.)
“Union action is a threat to democracy.”
(It’s actually one of its strongest tools.)
“Lefties are offended by everything.”
(Coming from people enraged by gender-neutral bathrooms.)
“London is a war zone.”
(It’s just diverse and you’re scared of buses.)
“The UK is world-leading!”
(At what? Denial?)
“The pandemic was overblown.”
(Ask a nurse. Or the 200,000+ who didn’t survive it.)
“We’ve had enough of experts.”
(Yes, let’s trust a pub landlord instead.)
“Everything is fine. Keep calm and carry on.”
(While the ship sinks and they sell the lifeboats to donors.)
Ever get the feeling you are being cheated and brainwashed?
