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The Tea Maker
Have you ever wondered why some people can keep their New Year’s resolutions and others can’t? I’ll tell you. Those who can keep them KNOW THE SECRET, and those who can’t keep them DON’T. The secret is knowing the secret, which I am now going to divulge. Ready?
There are only three ways to approach New Year’s Resolutions.
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Do not make Resolutions
It stands to reason that if you don’t make any New Year’s resolutions, you won’t fuck up and break them. If you don’t make any stupid promises to yourself, you won’t have to keep them, so you won’t let yourself down and feel bad about yourself, get depressed and end up back where you started – which is having to apologise to yourself, make another promise, break it for a second time and plummet from the edge of depression into the depths of absolute despair. Why fucking bother? Have a party instead.
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Do not make Stupid Resolutions
If you’re intent on making resolutions at New Year, don’t make stupid ones. Don’t fall into the trap of making things difficult for yourself. With ten vodkas down your throat it’s easy to think that raising the bar on life will be a worthwhile personal development project for 2014 but, believe me, it won’t. You are simply getting your ambitions confused with your capabilities and, for a Dorset person, this is not a practical alternative to what fate has in store for you.
So here are some Stupid Resolutions to avoid:
Anything related to health should not be included in your New Year’s Resolutions. You will NOT lose weight, go to a gym three times a week, walk five miles a day, detox your body, stop smoking, drink less or refrain from eating processed food starting on 2ndJanuary 2014. It won’t fucking happen.
Another thing that you’re unlikely to keep up is anything related to your outlook on life so you are highly unlikely to watch less television, start getting out more, learn a foreign language, meet new people, smile and say hello to strangers or stop worrying what others think of you. You will definitely not plan your budget for the next eighteen months and, even if you do, you will certainly not start to live within your means.
Stick anything like this lot into your New Year’s Resolutions and you are doomed to fail by the beginning of February. You are NOT one of the fucking Expendables so get real and think of things that you can actually achieve. Give yourself a fighting chance at some fucking success for a change. In other words…
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Make Smart Resolutions
Being smart, these resolutions come in various types but I’m only going to deal with three of them. You can do some thinking for yourself on the others or you can get in touch and let me know what you’ve come up with.
Type A – Easy ones
If you’re going to make a New Year’s Resolution, why torture yourself? Why not make things easy? Why give things up when you can take things up instead, and I’m not suggesting exercise or shit like that. Here are a few to start you off:
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I will read a book this year
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I will watch TV at least twice a week
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If I win the lottery I promise not to tell my family or friends
But some things are better to be cut out of your life or reduced:
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I will cut my email addresses back to 7
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I will give less money to charity – a lot less
See how easy that was?
Type B – Short Term Ones
The biggest problem we have with ‘normal’ resolutions is that they are ‘forever’, like stopping smoking or stopping hating yourself. The minute you have a fag or you give yourself a disdainful look in the mirror, it’s a fucking disaster. You are the ultimate failure. It’s all because you haven’t put any time limits on things.
But if you said that you’d give up smoking every day for two hours (excluding sleep time), plus you wouldn’t drink before 6pm (except at weekends), plus you wouldn’t hate yourself quite so much for the next 48 hours (unless you were a total fucking idiot during that time), the chances are that you could achieve something positive. See what I mean? Put limits on things.
Type C – Just the One
Don’t create a long list of New Year’s Resolutions. Just have one resolution. Something you can focus all your attention on. But remember to be smart and keep things simple. For example, last year, my sister’s single New Year’s Resolution was to get herself another invisible friend. She’d had one of these when she was about seven years old and it was a really good mate. She called her invisible friend Molly.
My sister is now thirty but she is obviously very creative. According to my sister’s therapist, her new invisible friend has been fantastic, though my sister does blame her for quite a lot, including the break-up of her marriage and having her kids taken away from her but, fuck it, if you can’t conjure up a scapegoat at New Year, what’s life all about?
Happy New Year
The Tea Maker
PS: You can comment on this story by emailing me at [email protected] and I’ll respond to your emails in next week’s column. Your email address will never be published.
