Well, what a busy few months it has been for me and, to be honest for once, it’s getting harder and harder. I have been your MP for many years, and some of you idiot peasants still have some faith in me, enough to put me back in my cosy slot at Westminster. As I get older, I find it more difficult to wear that false smile and to give the impression that I sincerely care about my constituents and their wellbeing. Do I really give a damn? Of course not, it’s all about me. Indeed, things are so bad that even time spent at my ‘surgery’ listening to you lot whinging is become a pain.
Still, I’ve got my 11% pay rise, did you? Told David I didn’t want it but he insisted, made me feel bad cos it puts me even further ahead financially of all you lowlife. But surely I’m worth every penny. Talking of David, I had him and George round for dinner the other evening, no GM served at my table, nasty stuff, gives you tumors but hey, that’s good enough for you lot says Owen Patterson. The subject turned to fracking. Hadn’t got a clue what it was but they soon enlghtened me. Lots of money to be made there for us elitists, that got my interest immediately. Millions of gallons of poisonous water, dangerous chemicals, destroyed environment, methane, seismic earthquakes, all sounds dreadful to me. Won’t let them do it near my place that’s for sure.
On the jobs front in Dorset, things have improved greatly, the ghost town of Gillingham now has a new high tech business in the form of Costa Coffee. This brings badly needed new jobs to the town. Hopefully I can get the big franchises of Starbucks and Cafe Nero to open there too. Hey, we made sure they don’t pay Corporation Tax, I might buy some shares.
Christmas was great! Hope yours was too, lot’s of dosh spent, my biggest present is that I got you mugs to pay my energy bills through my expenses.
The muppets at my surgery often ask me about the EU. I give them the pre arranged script, the EU are nice people really, just misguided. They don’t really want to enslave us, it’s all a myth. Of course there is a lot wrong at Brussels, corruption, fraud, malfeasance in public office, unaudited accounts, criminal activities but in a democracy. you have to take the good with the bad. My sterling work at the BGIPU will continue until Britain does not exist anymore and we are just another EU region. By the way, Cornwall, Devon, Somerset and Dorset will soon be known as EU Region UKK. We will all need to remember to put this on our privatised mail too.
Things have settled down again, back to normal at Lower Bottom after the devastating rain there, still I did my bit, shook a few hands, smilled and tried so hard to show some concern.
Had a meeting the other day with Martyn Overhill and Debbie Sampson. Never met them before, didn’t know who they were but my assistant who is able to read, told me they were a local Music Hall Act, a bit like The Krankies. Just what we need in Dorset, a bit of comedy, mirth, delusion and fantasy. Good to see that light entertainment is alive and kicking around here.
Am getting ready for the 2015 elections now, can’t plan too early you know. I’ll be there, fighting my corner against the honest, fair and decent people who are bound to stand against me. My local headquarters will make sure that lot don’t get a voice, we can’t have sincere folk who speak the truth as your elected representatives can we now? David isn’t worried about the elections, as he rightly says ” It’s not the voters who are important, it’s the vote counters”. Apparently Stalin said something very similar.
Anyway, must sign off for now. Lots of mail from fellow Tories asking why the gift wrapped Boys Own Annuals. Having to explain they were meant for their ‘boys’. We mustn’t tell MI6 that though.
Happy New Year to all you dumb voters out there.
Bob Wilter
James Pulleine
