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The Tea Maker
Have you ever had guests round for a meal or just for a chat, or for any one of a hundred other social reasons? I have. And have you ever been invited round to someone else’s place to participate in similar, friendly events? I have. And have you ever spotted any differences between the invitations you give and the invitations you get? I definitely have.
When I invite someone round, I make sure they enjoy themselves and I make sure I take their likes, dislikes and even their weird idiosyncrasies into account. But when they extend the invitation to me, it’s a whole different ball game. Let me explain.
A couple of months ago, we invited some new neighbours round for a meal and, right away, they told us they were vegetarian. No problem. We made a nice vegetarian dish for them and some chicken curry for ourselves. Give them their due, they returned the gesture and we were invited to their place. But did we get meat on our plates? No we didn’t. If I can go to the trouble of making a separate meal to show appreciation of someone else’s beliefs and weird eating habits, surely they should do the same for me. I waited until I got home and had some bacon butties.
Another time we were having a barbeque and one couple turned up with some soft drinks. I already had plenty of soft drinks in the fridge but it was a nice gesture and I set them aside and asked them if they’d like a refreshment. Now, they could simply have ordered a glass of lemonade or a coke or something equally boring but, no, they proceeded to ruin my day by telling me that they didn’t drink alcohol because of its effects on health and society generally.
That was fair enough. Everyone’s entitled to take a stance on things. I just couldn’t see their reason for explaining all this to me when they were guests at my home – plus I was pissed as a fart and didn’t give a toss about their views on drink. But last week this same couple had a little anniversary party and a few friends and neighbours were invited along. You can see where this is going, can’t you? Right, we were asked what we’d like to drink and I said “Vodka please.”
“I’m sorry but we don’t have any vodka,” they said.
“That’s ok, here’s a litre.” and I pulled the Smirnoff bottle from my jacket pocket
“No, I’m really sorry but what we meant was we don’t approve of alcohol.”
“That’s ok, I’ve brought my own. Look!”
My wife by this time was tugging at my sleeve and gesturing me towards the door. But I didn’t notice this at the time so I continued the conversation with mine host.
“I’m not asking you to supply the stuff, just supply a glass.”
“I’m sorry but we don’t approve of alcohol.”
“Well you weren’t so fucking disapproving when you came over to my Bar-b-q and ate all my food, were you? It didn’t seem to make much difference to you that I was out of my fucking skull on vodka on that occasion, did it? No!” Then I turned to my wife and said, “I’m outta here.” And I was.
Religious people can be the same. They want to say grace at our house but they don’t stick up for my religious freedom when all I want to do is get the food down my fucking throat without the thank you bits holding things up.
Now, tell me, am I a good host or what? And aren’t other people just too immersed in their own little lives to think of us normal folk who just want to get through our days out without all this nonsense being spewed all over us. If you don’t eat meat, fine, I do. If you don’t drink, fine, I do. If you’re into religion, fine, I’m not. If I’m willing to take care of you and your beliefs at my home don’t you think you should be a bit more courteous and accommodating when I turn up at your place?
Is it any wonder I never get invited out any more? Well fuck you too!
The Tea Maker
PS: You can comment on this story by emailing me at [email protected] and I’ll respond to your emails in next week’s column. Your email address will never be published.
