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The Tea Maker
Go on, admit it. Apart from Christmas day, the whole thing is pretty much three months of high octane advertising, children demanding unaffordable technology and more stress than you care to think about, even if you do believe George Osborne’s lies about household income rising. In short, Christmas is pretty shit!
But don’t let me stand in your way of having a great time.
In the three months before the big day, retailers budgeted around £400 million of advertising to get us to part with money we don’t even have. £400 million. That’s a four followed by 8 fucking zeros. And they have to get all that back before they start to make a profit.
Ok, some of the ads are pretty good but we’re meant to be happy at Christmas, so what the fuck are John Lewis and Sainsbury up to? One is showing us a bear that’s never celebrated Christmas before. We’re supposed to feel sorry for the poor thing. But whose fucking fault is it that he’s been out cold every year and missed the party? He needs to take some personal responsibility here.
The Sainsbury ad is even worse. It shows an old geezer preparing a nice Christmas dinner then setting out his Christmas table for one. What the fuck’s that all about? Ok, I admit that some people will eat alone this year, just as they do every year, but why is Sainsbury using this in its advertising? It won’t make me rush out to their nearest store and buy all my Christmas stuff because I’m already sitting there thinking, “If that old guy is a typical Sainsbury customer they’ll have plenty of stuff left on the shelves. I’ll wait a few days more.”
Remember, you’re broke
Then I remember Osborne and his lies. He claims that household disposable income is higher than it was at the start of the financial crisis, but not according to Robert Chote, the head of the Government’s fiscal watchdog, the Office for Budget Responsibility. Mr Chote told the Treasury Select Committee that Osborne was a fucking liar and should be strung up by his balls. He didn’t actually use these words. Instead, he said that Mr Osborne’s claims were “inconceivable” and that it would be “several years” before household spending power returned to its pre-recession peak. It amounts to the same thing in my mind. We’re still fucking broke so an expensive Christmas isn’t exactly something I’m looking forward to.
It’s all about the children
But the worst things at Christmas are children and the worst ones are the really self-centred, greedy ones, which means all of them. They sit glued to the TV screens, eyes popping and saliva dribbling down their chins as they wait for the ad breaks.
“That’s what I want for Christmas. It’s only £4000. Can I get it?”
“You know we can’t afford that sort of thing, honey.”
“But all my friends are getting it and I’ll be the only one left out.”
“Maybe their parents can afford it.”
“They can’t, but they’re willing to get into debt because they love their children.”
“I’m sorry honey, I just can’t manage that amount.”
“I hate you.”
“Look, I’ll see what I can do.”
And that’s you fucked.
Your worst nightmare
You get another seven jobs, borrow money from everyone you know, only eat beans you’ve shoplifted from Lidls for two months, and sell everything you own in the world. You then wake up in cold sweats because you keep having recurring nightmares about buying this £4000 gift, then waking up on Christmas morning to discover your son has died in his fucking sleep like the ungrateful little fucker he is.
Realising what’s happening to you and how this might impact on your son’s life, you give back all the money you’ve borrowed, buy your son a book token and a selection box, give him some cash (not too much that will make him happy) book a table at McDonalds for Xmas Dinner and save yourself thousands of pounds and a year in therapy.
Merry Xmas!
The Tea Maker PS: You can comment on this story by emailing me at [email protected] and I’ll respond to your emails in next week’s column. Your email address will never be published.
