I’m convinced we’re turning into a nation of liars. People don’t believe that the truth can set them free anymore so they roll out one lie after another. Apart from myself, I can’t trust anyone anymore. I can’t believe a word people say to me. People are even lying about their reasons for lying.
Below are 10 Whoppers I’ve heard in the last month. I could easily have listed fifty but I’ve chosen these ten because I’ve heard each of them more than once. They’ve become so common they’re now part of our fucking culture.
I’m stuck in traffic
We weren’t stuck in traffic. We were on a dual carriageway doing 80mph when my friend and driver took the call from his wife on his hands-free. We were running late because our business meeting had gone over schedule. Why not just say that? Why lie about being stuck in fucking traffic?
Just what I wanted
I heard this on Mothers’ Day and again at a Birthday Party. “It’s just what I wanted.” But you could see on the faces of the Mother and the birthday boy that they were lying through their teeth. Why didn’t they just say, “Is this all you could fucking think of? What am I meant to do with this shit?”
I’m fine!
I heard this three times in the space of an hour at an A&E Unit. No wonder the NHS is going to the dogs. People were moaning, crying, howling and, worst of all, they were bleeding all over the floors. But when anyone asked them how they were, they’d say, “I’m fine.” If they were as fine as they said they were, they should have left, saved the NHS a fortune and reduced the queue, because I was at the end of it and I was in fucking agony.
I love it. Let’s go with it.
Some senior management arsehole stands up and makes an incredibly long proposal that no one can understand and no one cares about. Senior Arsehole then looks around the painted smiles and asks, “Well, what do you think?” Don’t wait for a second invitation to comment, get in there first with the big morale booster, “I love it. Let’s go with it!” But whatever you do, don’t ask questions. That’s a job for the other dimwits sitting at the table. Your job’s done.
It’ll be ok!
No it won’t. Shit is about to happen and the bastard who tells you not to worry knows more about the problem than he says he does. He’s probably made an error of biblical proportions and he’s pointed the finger at you. Either that or the plumber you’ve hired has just noticed that you have also noticed the water trickling out from beneath your kitchen units. So when he tells you, “It’ll be ok!” let him know that he won’t be getting a penny until it is.
I will start my diet on Monday.
Fuck off! Heard it!
The fantastic weekend
I’m talking about going to work on Monday and everyone is going on about their fantastic weekend, so you feel that you have to make something up about the one you didn’t have. You didn’t meet the girl of your dreams and she didn’t have a penthouse in Sandbanks and she definitely wasn’t a nympho. All you did was watch the final of The Voice, sit back with a mug of Horlicks, then go to bed with your fucking Kindle. So what? Don’t lie about it. Think yourself lucky. I don’t even have a Kindle.
No family skeletons
Everyone lies about their family. We have to because every family, apart from my own, is a totally embarrassing, dysfunctional fuck-up. That’s why we have to lie about them all the time. But here’s the thing. Everyone has the same fuck-up family as you do, so stop hiding it. In fact, if you start making up horror stories about your Uncle Joe or your Cousin Elvis, the people around you will relax and start to tell you their stories, the true ones. That’s when the real entertainment begins.
It wasn’t meWe all make mistakes and almost everyone will tell as many lies as possible to cover them up and avoid the consequences. It’s cowardly and it just adds to your sins. Personally, I never tell lies. My theory is that if I can get caught out in mistakes and major crimes, it’s likely that I’ll be caught out in the cover-up as well.
I never tell a lie
This is the biggest lie of all. You’re not just lying to the people you’re telling this lie to, you’re lying to yourself. Everyone tells lies. Think about when your last lie was. If it wasn’t in the last forty eight hours, someone is definitely telling lies, and it’s not me.
So, apart from the tooth fairy, what’s the best lie you’ve ever heard?
The Tea Maker
PS: You can comment on this story by emailing me at [email protected] and I’ll respond to your emails in next week’s column. We’ll never publish your email address.
“Dorset Cream Tease is where you’ll find the relaxing, maddening, hilarious and bewildering stories, gossip and rants that help all of us to cope with life in Dorset. Everything you read here will be 90% true (almost). So get yourself hooked by visiting every week, and feel free to comment or add your thoughts by emailing me at [email protected]”
The Tea Maker
