In a move that has reportedly sent sales of blood pressure medication soaring across the Home Counties, the BBC has announced that Kelly Cates, Gabby Logan, and Mark Chapman will form a new dream team of presenters for Match of the Day (MOTD) from next season. While Chapman has been widely accepted as “one of the lads,” the inclusion of two whole women has caused meltdowns on social media that could be seen from space.
“This is a woke plot to destroy football!” screeched one X user, whose profile picture was inexplicably a Pit Bull Terrier.
Shocking Innovation: Women Know Football
The BBC’s announcement marks a historic first: the longest-running football show in the world, dating back to 1964, will be hosted by more than one person. The trio will share duties across Saturday’s flagship show, Match of the Day 2 on Sundays, and MOTD: Champions League on Wednesdays.
Gary Lineker, who has anchored MOTD since 1999, will hand over the reins but remain a fixture for FA Cup and men’s World Cup coverage. This announcement caused precisely zero outrage because even the angriest keyboard warriors still like Gary—as long as he doesn’t tweet.
“I just don’t think women can handle the pressure of discussing VAR decisions,” sniffed one disgruntled commenter, seemingly unaware that both Kelly Cates and Gabby Logan knew more about football than him while in the womb.
National Panic: The Offside Rule Is Safe
Despite the hysteria, last season’s MOTD coverage pulled in a staggering 33 million viewers. Apparently, football remains compelling even when explained by people with a uterus. Regular pundits Alan Shearer and Micah Richards are staying put, so fans can rest easy knowing someone will still point out “he should’ve scored there” for another season.
But such reassurances haven’t calmed the gammonati. “They’ve gone too far,” raged one critic, clutching his signed picture of Jimmy Hill’s chin. “If women start presenting football shows, what’s next? Women wearing trousers?”.
The Bruce Forsyth Clause
The online backlash has been fierce, with some fans threatening to “boycott the BBC”; a bold strategy given that most of them haven’t paid their TV licence since the Spice Girls were topping the charts. “First they ruined Doctor Who, now they’ve ruined football,” moaned one man, apparently unaware that Doctor Who has survived several millennia of regeneration and the death of Bruce Forsyth (yes, he’s still dead).
Another claimed, “This would’ve never happened in my day!” sparking widespread confusion over whether his day was the 1950s or the time before Boudicca.
The BBC Responds
BBC Sport Director Alex Kay-Jelski dismissed the criticism, stating, “We know viewers will love these three incredible broadcasters. They’re brilliant at what they do, and fans can look forward to expert analysis of all the big football talking points.”
Meanwhile, Kelly Cates and Gabby Logan have been too busy doing their jobs to respond to the noise, presumably because they’re professionals and not extras from The Benny Hill Show.
Gammon Forecast: Stormy With a Chance of Meltdown
For the rest of us, the new lineup promises a fresh take on football coverage, combining Cates’ razor-sharp insights, Logan’s unparalleled experience, and Chapman’s reassuringly blokey energy. As for the gammon brigade? They’ll be busy putting up their flags of St. George in their living room windows, getting tattooed, and learning how to construct a word with more than one syllable.
