I suspect these are not uniquely British but they sure are common.
Staring at your phone in silent horror until the unknown number stops ringing
Hearing a recording of your own voice and deciding it’s perhaps best never to speak again
The relief when someone doesn’t answer their phone within three rings and you can hang up
Filming an entire fireworks display on your phone, knowing full well you’ll never, ever watch it again
Mishearing somebody’s name on the second time of asking, meaning you must now avoid them forever
Leaving it too late to correct someone, meaning you must live with your new name forever
Running out of ways to say thanks when a succession of doors are held for you, having already deployed ‘cheers’, ‘ta’ and ‘nice one’
Changing from ‘kind regards’ to just ‘regards’, to indicate that you’re rapidly reaching the end of your tether
Realising you’ve got about fifty grand’s worth of plastic bags under your kitchen sink
“You’ll have to excuse the mess” – Translation: I’ve spent seven hours tidying in preparation for your visit
Indicating that you want the last roast potato by trying to force everyone else to take it
“I’m off to bed” – Translation: “I’m off to stare at my phone in another part of the house”
The overwhelming sorrow of finding a cup of tea you forgot about
Turning down a cup of tea for no reason and instantly knowing you’ve made a terrible, terrible mistake
Suddenly remembering your tea and necking it like a massive, lukewarm shot
Waiting for permission to leave after paying for something with the exact change
Saying hello to a friend in the supermarket, then creeping around like a burglar to avoid seeing them again
Watching with quiet sorrow as you receive a different haircut to the one you requested
Being unable to pay for something with the exact change without saying “I think that’s right”
Overtaking someone on foot and having to keep up the uncomfortably fast pace until safely over the horizon
Being unable to turn and walk in the opposite direction without first taking out your phone and frowning at it
Deeming it necessary to do a little jog over zebra crossings, while throwing in an apologetic mini wave
Punishing people who don’t say thank you by saying “you’re welcome” as quietly as possible
Loudly tapping your fingers at the cashpoint, to assure the queue that you’ve asked for money and the wait is out of your hands
Looking away so violently as someone nearby enters their PIN that you accidentally dislocate your neck
Being sure to start touching your bag 15 minutes before your station, so the person in the aisle seat is fully prepared for your exit
Repeatedly pressing the door button on the train before it’s illuminated, to assure your fellow commuters you have the situation in hand Having someone sit next to you on the train, meaning you’ll have to eat your crisps at home
The huge sense of relief after your perfectly valid train ticket is accepted by the inspector
The horror of someone you only half know saying: “Oh I’m getting that train too”
“Sorry, is anyone sitting here?” – Translation: Unless this is a person who looks remarkably like a bag, I suggest you move it
Worrying you’ve accidentally packed 3 kilos of cocaine and a dead goat as you stroll through “Nothing to declare”
Being unable to stand and leave without first saying “right”
Not hearing someone for the third time, so just laughing and hoping for the best
Saying “anywhere here’s fine” when the taxi’s directly outside your front door.
How many did you score?
Mike Wilce
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