Dear Prime Minister

Dear Dave,

It’s rare for me to write to a politician, rarer still for that politician to be the Prime minister.

Today, however, has seen a new low in your disgusting government’s ongoing offensive against the nation’s working class. So, rather than content myself by only venting my spleen via the outlets usually afforded a freelance writer, I decided you deserved a more personal approach, as well (on the off-chance you visit my website and see this here, don’t worry; I’ll be popping a personal copy in the post to you first thing tomorrow).

Let me, though, start with a bit of scene-setting by mentioning a few of the more memorable incidents that have marked your administration thus far…

The web of perfidy, corruption and criminality regarding the News Of The World affair and your own, not insignificant, part in this sleazy and contemptible mess.

The utter disgrace and, frankly, disgusting waste of public money on the Olympics. Forecast, I’m told, to rise to some £20 billion. This, I’d remind you, at a time when you, personally, are spearheading the most savage and ruthless attack on the jobs, terms, conditions, pay and public services of some of the most vulnerable and disempowered people in the entire country.

Which leads me to my next observation; said attack is, as we all know, largely required to pay for the economic catastrophe handed to us by the banks and the City. Billions upon billions of our pounds have been thrown at some of the most repugnant, incompetent, greedy and dissolute crooks to have ever sat at a boardroom table. To add breathtaking insult to grievous bloody injury, a not insubstantial portion of those billions has been given to these thieves in the forms of bonuses and pay-outs. For what? Wrecking the economy? Christ on a fecking bike, Dave.

I could go on. Believe me I could. Ask anyone who knows me. I will, however, content myself with highlighting just one more vomit-inducing obscenity. Despite your previous attempt to spin the numbers otherwise, your own government department calculates benefit fraud to be somewhere in the region of £1.5 billion per year. Contrast that, Dave, with the estimated £80 billion your rich chums fiddle every year in tax evasion, tax avoidance and outright theft. Off-shore tax havens, assets in spouses’ names and Christ Almighty knows what else and these parasites, every year, are responsible for depriving the UK economy of billions of desperately needed pounds. And your response is? Sweet feck all, it seems. Instead you batter the unemployed and then blame them for the mess the rich have caused.

So, finally, we arrive at my point which is really a question, actually. How insensitive/out-of-touch/callous/tactically inept and/or just plain fecking stupid does a person have to be to then allow his Treasury Secretary, David Gauke, to preach morality at those of us guilty of bunging our plumbers a few bob off the books???? Are you actually real???? I mean are you??? The degree of hypocrisy required to make such a remark is, literally, beyond my ability to comprehend! Unless, of course, this is merely the first subtle step in a cunning plan to mark out plumbers, rather than bankers, as the cause of our crumbling economy. Good luck with that.

The best, however, is yet to come, I then find out your man Gauke’s missus is a tax avoidance lawyer! If you sat down and consciously thought, “Hmmm, how can I really, and I mean really, take the piss out of those scummy proles?” you couldn’t have come up with this, Dave. You couldn’t, as the cliché has it, make it up.

So, OK, I’m a life-long raving commie, as my MI5 file will confirm, and I wouldn’t expect you to lose any sleep over the vote you never had from me but if you’ve got any balls at all, any decency whatsoever, please do me the courtesy of replying.

In fact, I’ll tell you what; next time you’re in my part of the world I’ll take you for a pint of at my local Miners’ Welfare. You could explain to the few ex-miners I know who were able to retrain as plumbers, joiners and sparkys (that’s electricians in prole-speak) after your mate Thatch completely destroyed their industry and community, how this morality business works in real life. I’ll buy the ale, don’t worry about that, and they’d be fascinated, I know, to hear you lay it out for them.

Have your people contact my people and let’s make this happen, Dave. Yeah? Sorry; yah?

Yours sincerely, Harry Paterson

View Harry’s blog