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The Tea Maker
This week, we’re dealing with DINGS so I suppose I should start by explaining what a ding actually is.
The first time I heard one was when I got my hands on an old, second-hand, microwave oven. I read the operating instructions, inserted some food, set the timer and stood back. Two minutes later I heard it. DING! DING! DING!
It was the first electronic warning system I’d ever heard and I must admit I was impressed. Until that moment, the only other piece of machinery that told me it had finished doing what I’d bought it to do was my kettle and all it did was switch itself off. No warning. No audio. Just a click. That was impressive enough, but now I had my very own dinging microwave. I was happy!
Then everyone got in on the act and almost everything in my house dings me a warning.
Toast a piece of bread and, DING, it not only jumps out of my toaster but the toaster tells me that the process is complete.
Stick a casserole in the oven and, DING, the oven tells me it’s ready.
Even the George Foreman Grill DINGS when my sausages are done.
At first I was impressed. Later, I couldn’t care less. Now it’s annoying me… a lot. When I stick some laundry in the washing machine, DING, it’s washed. Transfer things to the tumble dryer and I get another fucken DING when they’re dry. And if that’s not enough, the smoke detector has now decided to give me a little ding to tell me the battery is low.
Because of all this, I’m no longer happy. I’m exasperated. It’s become so fucken invasive that I want to scream. Last week, my wife was in the shower when, suddenly – Ding, Ding, Ding. She called out to me, “Will you get that, please?”
“Get what?” I thought. It could be anything. So I checked all the appliances. Microwave, toaster, oven, grill, washing machine, tumble dryer. Nothing. So I grabbed a chair and checked the smoke alarm. It was fine. I checked everything again and still nothing. It turned out to be her mobile phone with an incoming text. How was I meant to know that?
Car manufacturers are getting just as bad. My car isn’t too bad, mainly because it’s too old to ding. It’s even older than my microwave. But my wife’s car is a newer model so, naturally, I hate it.
If I don’t fasten my seat belt – DING!
If the petrol gets low – DING!
If the car reverses, it’s a series of DINGS that rise in volume and regularity to warn me how close I’m getting to whatever’s behind me.
When I open the door to get out, DING, I’ve left the lights on and when I use the remote controlled, central locking system, it’s a double DING.
Why all the fucken dings? I know when I don’t have my seatbelt on. I can see the petrol gauge because it’s lit up and a little orange light comes on when I’m getting low. When I took driving lessons, the instructor told me about the wonder of rear-view mirrors when reversing.
The good news is that all this dinging is due to stop quite soon. We’re going to have ding-free homes and ding-free cars in the very near future. That’s the good news.
The bad news is that we’d better get prepared for… FUCKEN VOICES!
For some reason, the product designers don’t think that we’ll know what’s happening if all we hear is a series of dings. So they’re introducing THE VOICE to spell it out for us. Can you imagine it?
“You’re toast is ready and it’s on the floor. Pick it up and eat it.”
“Your socks are washed. Please transfer to tumble dryer.”
“Your car door is now unlocked. Please enter and take a seat.”
Why can’t the car manufacturers give us useful information… like…
“The hem of your coat is jammed in the car door and is getting filthy.”
“You’ve just overtaken an unmarked police car at 90mph. You’re fucked!”
The Tea Maker
PS: You can comment on this story by emailing me at [email protected] and I’ll respond to your emails in next week’s column. Your email address will never be published.
