In a groundbreaking move to tackle crime, or at least the perception of tackling crime, Dorset Police has unveiled its new and improved “Report It To Police – If We Don’t Know About It, We Can’t Tackle It” campaign. Now rebranded as “Report It and We’ll Pretend to Care,” the initiative encourages the public to log every suspicious activity, no matter how minor, through a variety of convenient digital channels, all of which will be ignored in record time.
“We understand that members of the public want to feel heard,” said Chief Constable I. M. Baffled. “That’s why we’ve designed a system that allows people to report crimes at any hour of the day, safe in the knowledge that their concerns will be met with a mixture of automated responses, vague reassurances, and, if they’re lucky, a crime reference number that will never amount to anything.”
The online reporting system has been upgraded to include an exciting new feature: “Pre-Closed Cases”—a time-saving measure ensuring that, upon submitting a report, users are immediately informed that no further action will be taken.
Other key highlights include:
- The Instant Dismissal Algorithm – Automatically detects reports involving stolen bicycles, antisocial behaviour, or suspicious persons who “probably just live there” and files them under “Too Difficult.”
- DIY Policing Resources – A downloadable PDF filled with inspiring quotes about community resilience, just in case you expected police assistance.
- The Virtual Patrol Car – A cutting-edge feature allowing residents to “see” officers patrolling their area by looking at their own reflection in a shop window while muttering, “Where are the police?”
When asked about response times, a spokesperson for Dorset Police assured the public that emergency calls remain a top priority. “We aim to respond within two to three business weeks, unless we’re busy doing speed checks on an empty road.”
To celebrate the launch of this initiative, Dorset Police has also announced the “Self-Arrest Scheme”, encouraging criminals to take personal responsibility by handing themselves in at their earliest convenience. Early adopters will receive a free consultation with an overworked duty solicitor and an express-release service to ensure they’re back on the streets before the kettle boils.
Residents are encouraged to keep reporting, as their input is invaluable in generating impressive crime statistics for the next funding application. “Remember, if we don’t know about it, we can’t ignore it properly,” said the Chief Constable, while nervously eyeing the backlog of 50,000 unanswered reports.
For further details, simply shout your concerns into the void, or visit our website, where you can enjoy the thrill of typing your grievances into a black hole of indifference.
Following Dorset police’s wonderful attempt at an April Fool’s joke by asking the public to report crimes, the public have responded with aplomb on a local news page:
Thank you to Dorset Police for getting in on the April Fool’s Day fun. It is nice that they do irony too.
