It is called DOG. (Daily Overexcitement Generator.)

Basically you get one and every day even in January you have to walk it for two hours. Fun! This is good exercise but unfortunately it can tighten your muscles but fortunately this particular DOG shits at least three times per walk and picking up dogshit is great for your hamstrings and maybe even your IT band if anyone knows what an IT band is (I think an IT band was made up by a personal trainer from Luton called Gavin in 1998).

Another great feature of the DOG application is that he comes with zero boundaries and regularly humps other dogs. And humans. And cushions. And attempts fourth base with your daughter’s giant teddy bear Gerald that you won on Brighton Pier. Which means you are frequently pretending to laugh in front of strangers in order to cover your embarrassment, and fake laughter is incredible for your lower abs and facial contours. Oh and it comes with a more intense deep cringe function called Purple Lightsaber.
(Revenge of the Sit! Attack of the Bones! The Phantom Menace!!!!!!!!!!) A must.

Plus if like me you experience problem areas of dry skin the DOG app comes with an in- built exfoliation feature whereby he licks your face and scalp at random times of the day or night. This is incredibly fun especially at 3 am in the morning. It is almost as good for your sleep as having a toddler. And what is better than that? Herpes?

Also, this version comes with a permanent wag feature for year round ventilation and another one which somehow makes you talk like an absolute wanker all day long which is great practice for business meetings.

You spend your life saying inane self evident things like ‘ooh big stretch’ like you are a walking Netflix Audio Description and pointless rhetorical questions like ‘who is a good boy?’ simply to pander to the DOG’s rampant narcissism.

Mainly though a DOG is good for your health because they love you and you love them back and love is good for everything.
Would recommend.

Matt Haig


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