Prime Minister,
I am pleased to be able to report that I have the solution to the Chancellor’s financial woes, and your Eurosceptic problem, all inspired by this article:
https://m.phys.org/news/2014-09-black-holes.html
As you can see, we have been looking at the universe all wrong, so what is required is an education programme that encourages the general public to acquire the same method of thinking as that used by quantum physicists and applied mathematicians all over the world. As you can see, this would enable the Treasury to completely redefine the existence of the universe, just as they have already done with food and fuel poverty, which the esteemed Professor Stephen Hawking will confirm is perfectly legitimate, because the universe only exists because we want it to. It has taken huge amounts of government money to enable Hawking and his colleagues to arrive at this conclusion that so very many ordinary people will doubtless rush to apply to their everyday lives, so the UK public should fall in readily with it, seeing as how we’re always bleating on about getting value for money from projects supported by public funding.
Once sufficient numbers of people were thinking correctly it would be possible, under the quantum regime, to completely re-jig the entire universe so that all government debt was consigned to a history that would never actually have happened! The £17bn financial “black hole” faced by the chancellor would simply disappear and never have even existed because, as the link clearly shows, Prof Laura Mersini-Houghton has gone to great lengths to prove mathematically that black holes cannot exist. This is sure to prove to be of exceptional value at the forthcoming General Election, because it will mean that the chancellor can now cease his austerity programme with immediate effect and the Work & Pensions Secretary can stop causing British people to die before their due time. There’s some excellent PR to be had there, Prime Minister!
Of course, using these same quantum rules, the Conservatives will also be able – if the Party can unite for long enough – to wish anyone they like (or, rather, DISlike) entirely out of existence and never remember having been bothered by those people at all. So, all the lefties, liberals and UKIP supporters can be wiped away without a trace, leaving only Tory voters, leading to a landslide victory every five years for the Conservatives at elections. The drawback to this plan – apart from who will then collect the rubbish each week – is, obviously, the “party unity” thing. It might, therefore, be an idea to start off small and eliminate all the pesky Eurosceptics first. You could arrange for this to happen at a candle-light committee meeting under Conservative Central Office whenever you have a spare moment in your diary. There’s bound to be a candle left over from a policy creation session somewhere down there, maybe under an old Poll Tax proposal, but if not I’m sure George would lend you one of his crayons. Just drill a hole through the middle longways, stick a bit of string (not the theoretical kind, mind) through it as a wick, and make sure someone brings a hot pasty to stick it into so it stands up properly. I’m sure you’ll accept that the tax on the pasty will be a small price to pay. Speculate to accumulate, and all that. it’s been a long time since this country has had what I’m sure Hermaj would be graciously pleased to call a “tabula rasa” moment.
As if all this good news wasn’t enough, Professor Mersini-Houghton’s work has also finally proved that your government has been right all along in blaming the previous Labour government for the nation’s financial ills. Working closely with Professor Hawking, she has shown that quantum physics had a major part to play in Britain’s financial downfall, one which completely absolves the banks of all responsibility – or at least will once the above-mentioned redefinition of the universe has taken place. The key is, of course, Schroedinger’s Cat, which shows that Alastair Darling, the chancellor at the time of the final crunch, is the one to blame for the huge mess that we ended up in. It was he who opened the envelope containing the fateful bank statement with the “£1,200,000,000,000DR” at the bottom, with the enclosed compliments slip from the local RBS bank manager inviting him round for a cup or two of Earl Grey to discuss the matter. I receive these from my bank manager all the time, just minus the “Earl Grey” bit. Minus the compliments slip too, as it happens. I must have upset her somehow…
If Darling had just quietly binned that envelope (the Home Office could have told him how to do that), the situation today would be much different because we wouldn’t actually know if we owed anyone any money or not and therefore could reasonably dispute the need to pay anything back at all. You’d have been good at that. In opening that letter, Darling observed the contents, and observation – as any quantum physicist worth his/her salt will tell you – automatically alters and defines the state of reality. Hawking bears this out in his popular book “A Brief History Of Time” which I’m sure you’ve read. Quantum physicists have been pushing this statement hard, I understand, because it’s cheaper to use than cocaine and doesn’t make your eyes look all starey and swimmy under bright lights such as you have to sweat under every day in the Commons Chamber. Just as well Darling decided to step down, hey, before his past won’t be able to catch up with him because it will never have actually happened?
There. Lots of solutions to a whole host of problems, courtesy of the scientific world. I look forward eagerly to the dawn of a new era.
Sincerely,
Darren Lynch
