Research has consistently shown that worryingly, reading tabloid newspapers such as the Sun, Express and Daily Mail causes contagious fatalism, addictive irritable incoherence syndrome, an anxiety-inducing pre-occupation with other people stealing tax-payers money – though usually only the tax-paying poor – and a highly suggestible state, presenting with swollen spite, distended misery guts, clinical mucus retention, rash folk devils and suppurating moral panic. These symptoms usually precede the completely incapacitating open mouth of closed-mind syndrome, leading to premature, ejaculated brain death.
Sociologists have discovered that many tabloid addicts have nasty outbreaks of brazen neighbours, usually from other countries, or with profound and suspicious disabilities. Some poor and self-rightously outraged readers have lazy single mothers, suspicious-looking students, conspicuous suspected immigrants or daring unemployed scrounger types living right next door or just down the street. This is usually preceded by a malignant disdain that is difficult to contain.
Although there has been fierce debate about the aetiology of this condition, sociologists believe that the cause precedes the effects. In other words, it is the victims of these nasty epidemics of dodgy bad sorts that actually manifest those symptomatic phenomena, during fits of convulsive curtain twitching whilst presenting further symptoms of frank, febrile tutting.
Health officials carried out research over many years, which revealed that during the early stages of chronic tabloiditis, acute, screaming headlines bind to the victims’ brain and dopamine receptors, releasing a surge of bile and some other unidentifiable, free-floating, profuse bitter stuff. This has the unfortunate effect of oxidising the part of the brain ordinarily used to rationalise and the nubbin in the noggin that usually facilitates discernment. The deadly process also affects the vocal chords, leaving the poor patient with an over-developed sense of indignance, hatred and a hyper-reactive moral outrage. This culminates in excessive sweating, incoherent shrieking and convulsive knee-jerk responses.
The most alarming health survey reports have revealed that the process involves rapid shrinkage and withering of the gland that regulates reality uptake – the part of the body that scientists call the “getagrippe.” This reduces the reader to thinking in unsound soundbites, leading to a terminal condition called “end-stage pernicious gullibility.” Once patients reach this stage, there is little hope for them. They tend to rapidly succumb to the malignant “cuttingyournoseofftospiteyourface” syndrome.
For example, many patients suffer the condition that they believe it’s better to have no welfare, human rights or NHS rather than have other people using them. In particular, patients tend to stipulate that unless they alone need to use tax-funded public services, they should be blown up or demolished, so no-one else can use them. Some have resorted to self-lobotomising, whilst other hopeless cases mimic end-stage Rumplestiltskinism.
Another symptom is that these poor victims become increasingly intolerant of everyone else, especially anyone claiming benefits, who chafe their considerably swollen sensibilities. This common reaction is a severe allergic response to others, along with a strong dose of belief that anyone else should be punished regularly with public floggings and no supper. Or anything.
Once a person is in a super state of autoimmunity to others, the body rejects the brain, which exits the body through the bile duct. Transplants have been unsuccessful, with issues around host and grafting, leading to further rejection, atrophic anomie, empathy deficiency syndrome, brought on by persistent exposure to viral epidemics of the protestant work ethic.
The patient becomes fixated on what everyone else has, particularly the poor, and it’s always thought to be a lot more than the patient has, though this is usually fueled by short bursts of media stereotypes, acute delusions of impacted resentment with profuse sub-arachnoid diarrhoea, spasms of inferiority complexes and feverish exaggerations, culminating in the fatal vomited outcry of “they’ve got a flat-screened TV, an iPhone, and two kids and a packet of fags that I paid for, the cheeky scrounging b*stards.”
It’s a pernicious, humourless disease that leads to rapid degeneration and further distress through pustular outbreaks of inflamatory comments, extensive diversionary metastases, profound rectal aphasia and ultimately, to a terminal and toxic irrelevance leaking like pus from the brain and mouth. The patient is usually unaware that he/she is mortally offensive to other people at this stage. Painful class envy and terminal false consciousness follow, inevitably.
The contamination was believed to have originated from 2010, when an acute case of Murdochitis broke out and spread to other media. Some sociologists pin-pointed David Cameron as the main source of the outbreak, though many public health officials have argued that he was merely the original carrier of the deadly bug.
There is no cure, and officials don’t think there is any hope for sufferers in sight until at least 2020.
Iain Duncan Smith has denied that there is any cause for concern, and today, determined to demonstrate tabloid safety, he ate a full Daily Mail in front of cameras in a public place. Despite growing contrary evidence from experts in their field, Government advice, meanwhile, is to keep taking the tabloids.
