Let us begin here:
In a shocking yet oddly unsurprising development, the Home Office has confirmed it will publish the UK’s first-ever “League Table of Reform UK Criminals” — a comprehensive roundup of offences committed by individuals associated with Britain’s favourite far-right grumble factory.
The move comes after months of pressure from the public, legal experts, and anyone who’s ever spent more than three minutes reading the comment section on Reform UK’s Facebook page.
According to newly released figures, a staggering 19,244 Reform UK supporters are either awaiting sentencing, out on licence, or enthusiastically participating in online conspiracy forums while on bail. This figure has ballooned since the Conservatives left office, although some observers have pointed out that many of the offenders used to vote Tory before discovering that shouting in caps-lock on Twitter felt more satisfying.
Despite Labour’s increased efforts to prosecute offenders tied to political extremism, the number of crimes linked to Reform UK backers continues to grow — largely fuelled by a cocktail of racial resentment, sexual repression, and YouTube pseudoscience.
The Offence Breakdown
Among the top crimes committed by those affiliated with the Reform UK movement:
- Hate Crimes (34%) – Including racially aggravated assaults, homophobic harassment, and shouting “woke nonsense!” at NHS staff.
- Sex Offences (22%) – A growing concern among Reform UK leadership, many of whom have had to distance themselves from activists with worrying Google search histories.
- Corruption & Fraud (18%) – Including expense fiddling, dodgy donations, and one enterprising candidate who tried to register his garden shed as a polling station.
- Public Order Offences (15%) – Most commonly involving shouting at buses, throwing milk at schoolchildren wearing masks, and storming council meetings with printed-out memes.
- Miscellaneous (11%) – A delightful grab-bag of offences including pretending to be ex-military, starting illegal GoFundMe campaigns, and harassing weather presenters.
Home Office Intervention
Home Secretary Yvette Cooper reportedly ordered the release of the data following a string of arrests at Reform UK rallies, where speakers frequently decry “crime going unpunished” just moments before being escorted away by police.
One Whitehall insider noted:
“When your biggest rally in 2024 ends with six arrests, three restraining orders, and someone setting fire to their own car, the time for transparency has come.”
Sources suggest some Home Office staff initially resisted publishing the data, citing concerns over political bias. However, ministers pushed back, insisting that “if the crime fits, they must be lit” — a reference to one Reform UK activist’s now-infamous attempt to burn a copy of The Guardian with a damp tea towel.
The Prison Pipeline
At the end of 2024, over 10,000 Reform UK supporters were confirmed to be in custody — making up around 12% of the national prison population. Most were reportedly furious that they couldn’t get GB News on the inside.
Prison staff have noted an uptick in incidents involving cellmates being lectured on the “Great Replacement Theory” or forcibly handed Nigel Farage’s autobiography.
Public Reaction
Critics of the party say the figures confirm what many suspected: that the line between Reform UK’s political platform and a charge sheet is increasingly blurry.
Shadow Justice Secretary Robert Jenrick commented:
“It’s about time we saw the true impact of political extremism on our justice system. These aren’t just angry men in Union Jack waistcoats shouting at pigeons; they’re a growing criminal element with access to broadband.”
Reform UK spokespeople were unavailable for comment, though one anonymous source did issue a statement via Telegram:
“This is a deep state stitch-up. Our lads are innocent until proven guilty, and even then it’s probably a false flag. Also, chemtrails”.
Coming Up Next from Dorset Eye:
- “Heckled by His Own Dog”: A Day in the Life of a Reform UK Councillor
- Woman Jailed After Using Facebook to Report Imaginary Migrant Crime Wave
- Local Man Blames Bins Not Being Collected on EU Boat People
And remember:
