The following transcript has been leaked to Dorset Eye and appears to be from a Government Cabinet meeting on 16th March…….
Her Majesty’s Government Cabinet Meeting – 16th March 2020
Meeting held at 10 Downing Street
Transcript
Present:
Boris Johnson Prime Minister
Rishi Sunak Chancellor of the Exchequer
Priti Patel Secretary of State for the Home Department
Dominic Raab Secretary of State for Foreign and Commonwealth Affairs
Michael Gove Minister for the Cabinet Office
Matt Hancock Sec of State for Health and Social Care
Alok Sharma Sec of State for Business
Liz Truss Sec of State for International Trade
Gavin Williamson Sec of State for Education
Therese Coffey Sec of State for Work and Pensions
Dominic Cummings Chief Special Adviser
(Others are present)
B Johnson: Good afternoon everyone! So, as we all know, we’ve faffed about for ages and now the scientists at Imperial are saying we are, as they say, ‘in excremento!’ We’ve had a day or two to mull it over and hopefully, we’ve all had some good ideas for how to make it look like we’re doing a good job.
Servant: Sorry….. Miss Patel, would you like tea or coffee?
P Patel: Let me be very clear: I’ll have coffee.
B Johnson: OK so, where are we on PPE, Matt?
D Raab: He can’t do PPE today. He’s got a sick note from his mum!
M Gove: (Sniggers)
M Hancock: Well, as we know, we’re way behind on both stockpiles and procurement, but I’ve come up with a good wheeze…..
B Johnson: That’s hilarious! I’m going to use that! I’ll work it in as a ventilator joke unless I can think of something else.
M Hancock: So, as we’ve said before, the public don’t understand the difference between inputs and outcomes – they’ll just be impressed with big numbers. So, we’re going to count every single item that goes to hospitals as an item of PPE that we have secured – individual gloves, paper towels, disinfectant, cleaning fluids, bin bags, toilet rolls…..
G Williamson: Sorry, did you say you have toilet roll?! It’s just that we’ve been really struggling as our local Asda’s been inundated…..
D Cummings: Yup, can we speed this up! I’ve another meeting at 3.
B Johnson: That’s splendid, Matt! And whose been working on ventilators?
(*everyone looks round at each other*)
M Hancock: I thought Priti was on it…..
P Patel: Let me be absolutely clear: I was no more ‘on it’ than you were ‘on’ Cygnus!
M Gove: (Sniggers)
M Hancock: Well…… we can procure ventilators through our normal NHS procurement channels….
(*general titters of amusement*)
M Hancock: Or….. we can join the EU Procurement Scheme….
(*raucous laughter*)
A Sharma: Can I remind everyone of our primary and guiding principle? To take public funds and give it to our wealthy friends who, in turn, give some of it back.
L Truss: There do seem to be some very reliable, ready-made ventilators available internationally.
B Johnson: That’s hilarious, Liz….. but I preferred the one about the cheese!
M Gove: (Sniggers)
A Sharma: So, I’ve lined up Dyson and JCB to make ventilators.
B Johnson: What, actually make them?
M Gove: (Sniggers)
A Sharma: No, no! One makes vacuums and one makes tractors, for Christ’s sake! They won’t be actually making them. Let’s just call it a ‘midnight run to the Caymans’.
B Johnson: Excellent! Well, this brings us on to The Grand Plan or ‘Maximo Insidiarum’ as I like to call it.
D Cummings: (Coughs and looks at watch)
B Johnson: Sorry Sir. In fact, perhaps you’re better at explaining it as it was your idea. What was our old plan again?
D Cummings: Herd immunity, protect the economy and if that means some pensioners die, too bad!
B Johnson: Yes, err….. could you perhaps alter the language somewhat…. make it a little less incendiary?
D Cummings: Make me!
B Johnson: OK well…. that was the old plan anyway. What’s the new one?
D Cummings: In order to not let hospitals get visibly over-run, don’t admit lots of the pensioners who are likely to die: send them back to their care homes and if that means most of those pensioners die, too bad! And whatever you do, don’t test them as we’ll only count the deaths of those who test positive.
B Johnson: Excellent, Sir! And how are we selling this to the plebs?
D Cummings: “Stay at Home. Protect the NHS. Save Lives.”
D Raab: You know ‘Save Lives’ is only two words, right?
(Deathly silence as Cummings stares at Raab who looks down apologetically)
L Truss: If we need extra tests, I think I can get some from……
B Johnson: Oh, shut up, Liz…. and pass the cheese!
M Gove:(sniggers)
M Hancock: So, the genius bit of the new plan is that, instead of saying our main aim is to save lives, we’ll keep saying that “our primary aim is to ensure that the NHS is not overwhelmed.” That way, we can achieve our main aim simply by keeping people out of hospital.
R Sunak: Won’t the public think that our main aim should be to save lives?
M Gove: (Sniggers)
B Johnson: You’re new here, aren’t you?
OK.…. which brings us neatly on to ‘messaging’. I asked ‘The Moggster’ to come up with a few things and, being the walking Thesaurus he is, he’s suggested throwing in words designed to impress the plebs. He advised we go with ‘unprecedented’, ‘historical’, ‘monumental’ and ‘Herculean!’ Oh, and if our adjusted death toll still happens to be the worst in Europe, we should call it a ‘success!’ It’s sounds like a stretch, but The Man from Melbourne, he say ‘Yes!’
M Hancock: Yes, and as we’ve been under the cosh over testing, Jacob suggested that, rather than unveil our simple five-point plan, we call it our ‘Five Pillars!’ Sounds so much more….. Gothic!
B Johnson: The Moggster still not sleeping at night?
M Hancock: No
D Cummings: (Coughs and looks at watch)
B Johnson: Sorry Sir. I know you’re in a rush. What time’s your meeting of, I presume, The Eugenicists’ Society?!
M Gove: (Sniggers)
D Cummings: 3 o’clock
M Gove: (abruptly stops sniggering)
B Johnson: So, that’s PPE, Ventilators, The Grand Plan, the Death Toll Trick and Messaging. Just two items left. Next….. Burying Bad News. What have we got?
P Patel: Let me be perfectly clear: the fact that the Report into Windrush has said the Home Office showed “institutional ignorance and thoughtlessness towards the issue of race” has been buried very nicely…..
B Johnson: There’s no way we’re racist! Look, we’ve even got a couple of you in here!
P Patel: Let me be completely clear, though: there are still calls to release the report into Russian interference in the EU Referendum and the Election and their donations to The Conservative Party.
B Johnson: Well, let’s find a busy Friday afternoon to release it, shall we?
(A phone next to Johnson rings and he answers)
B Johnson: Hello? Oh, hello Vladimir…… sorry, Premier Putin. Yes? Yes. Understood. Thank you!
(Johnson puts phone down)
B Johnson: Yeah, that report isn’t going to be released. OK, last item…… ‘Mates!’ Rishi?
R Sunak: So, I’ve been working on a package of measures:
1. My mates in Banking are going to underwrite a furlough scheme – but it’s OK: the public will pay for it over the next 30 years of continued austerity;
2. Business Loans – but the trick is, my mates at the banks can set the interest rates and some are charging 30%, so….. bonuses all round!
3. People are going to realise that £74 a week isn’t enough to live on so I’m bumping Universal Creditup by £20 a week.
B Johnson: A coke straw? That’s not a lot.
R Sunak: OK, I’ll make it £1,000 a year then.
B Johnson: That’s better!
M Gove: (Sniggers)
B Johnson: OK and err….. if anyone asks, we are not delaying Brexit! I spoke to Crispin and he’s got the biggest bet ever on our economy going down the toilet from January so…… no going back now!
Pass the cigars Coffey!
(Meeting ends)
Satire in name only
Tom Lane
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