That’s the vibe, isn’t it? All over the comment sections of the right-wing rags. “Let the boats sink.” “Not our problem.” “RNLI’s gone woke.” How terribly British of you — the Blitz spirit, but with less humanity and more casual fascism.
Well, good news, sugarplums. You’re getting your wish—sort of.
Channel 4 (God bless their cynical souls) has greenlit a new documentary-slash-public shaming titled Float Your Boat, Bigot, and it’s exactly what it sounds like. Ordinary, salt-of-the-earth racists—the ones who shout at the telly when a brown face appears on Countryfile — are being shoved into inflatable garden toys and launched into the Channel to test how their “pull-yourself-up-by-the-bootstraps” worldview holds up on open water.
No RNLI. No GPS. No life jackets. Just the icy realisation that karma doesn’t need a visa.
Reap What You Seethe
Remember these *******?
Meet Micky from Basingstoke. He once wrote on Facebook that “migrants should paddle back to Africa.” He’s now paddling furiously in circles somewhere near Boulogne, screaming at a seagull he’s mistaken for a French coastguard.
Then there’s Kate, a retired dinner lady from Kent who proudly told the camera she supports “tough border policies” and that refugees are “probably all liars anyway.” Kate was last seen weeping into a mouldy pork pie as her dinghy deflates with the soft hiss of British exceptionalism.
Oh, and Nigel Farage? He’s livid — because for once, a boat full of idiots doesn’t have him in it.
“Outrageous stunt,” he bellowed from the comfort of a GB News barstool. “No one serious wants migrants to drown.”
No, Nigel, just everyone who claps when you say things like “invasion” and “illegals.” Funny how people keep choking on the consequences of their own rhetoric.
No Rescue for Racism
Of course, the RNLI — national heroes with more moral fibre than the entire Cabinet’s breakfast — declined to participate. They’ve got more important things to do, like saving lives and quietly enduring abuse from the same people who think the Red Cross is part of an Islamic conspiracy.
In a stinging non-comment, an RNLI volunteer was overheard saying:
“If we started rescuing halfwit racists in rubber boats, we’d never get anything else done.”
And really, who could blame them?
These “participants”, I” use the word loosely, as most had to be bribed with Pukka pies and promises of a GB News voucher, are sent across the Channel with only the Bible, the Daily Mail, and a flag large enough to be placed in one earhole and pulled through to the other.
Within hours, most are vomiting over the side, sunburnt, dehydrated, and quietly contemplating whether, perhaps, fleeing war zones isn’t actually a luxury cruise after all.
Ship of Fools
In one poetic scene, an actual refugee—19-year-old Mohammed from Syria — throws a bottle of water into a bigot’s boat and says, simply:
“You looked thirsty.”
This is after the bigot yelled, “Why are you even here?”
And Mohammed replied, “To live. Why are you here?”
Cue silence. And the slow, dawning horror of self-awareness — or maybe just seasickness.
Back home, Suella Braverman, Priti Patel, Lee Anderson, and Richard Tice reportedly fumed that it was unrealistic as none of the contestants drowned. We want a rerun with “sharper rocks and fewer cameras,” they collectively bellowed, while forgetting it was their voters they were commenting on.
Conclusion: Sink Harder
Look. If you’re the kind of person who sits in a warm house with broadband and an Aldi lamb mutton chili, angrily tweeting that refugees should stay in their own war-torn hellholes — this show is for you.
If you’ve ever typed “The RNLI should stick to rescuing Brits,” despite knowing full well your uncle Daz got rescued drunk off a lilo in Magaluf — this show is for you.
And if you still don’t get it?
If you still think “letting them drown” is a legitimate policy option?
Then get in the boat.
We’ll see how brave you are when you’re the foreigner, in the cold, with no safety net and no Farage quotes on speed dial.
Spoiler: the sea doesn’t care who you voted for.
