When did children start asking the most adult questions?
This week my nine year-old daughter returned to school like millions of other children Like millions of other parents I had my own individual concerns, and alongside other parents we have collective and different opinions. Many things about her return worried me, the Covid19 implications, that the break had had a detrimental impact to her academic growth, and the usual first day nerves. I’m probably worrying for the sake of it. Nobody would be a parent if we all didn’t feel a twinge of apprehension when we said the “you’ll be fine, have a great day” as we said goodbye.
None of the above has troubled me (I will use D1 as my daughter’s name) as much as a question from her a couple of weeks ago. The question was innocent, inquisitive, and unknowingly to D1 probably the most relevant and important she will ask until she is in her teens. It was a question that made me really have to think about the answer and was unsure how to respond in a way that I felt comfortable with and in a way that she would understand without feeling overwhelmed with gravity of it.
I know what you will undoubtedly think it is related to… sex. Reproduction, girls and boy parts, where babies come from, why do boys have this and girls have that etc…. It wasn’t. D1 and I were talking about why she was only allowed to watch certain TV or films, about (bloody) TikTok, online risks. General things such as her 14 year old sister and her not being allowed to say bad words.
She hit me with this:
“What does the N-word mean dad?”
I wasn’t prepared for this. I would have been more comfortable with the dad attempt at dealing with the birds and the bees. A political hotbed and social whirlwind combined with a moral and ethical dilemma; do I tell her? Do I and have the risk of ever using it, or do I shirk away? I could have told her that it’s a bad word, like a swear word. After a couple of minutes of serious thinking I decided I would try to explain things with gravitas and compassion. I’d try to get a 9 year-old to comprehend the impact of it. I am sure that I will be criticised for going along this route Hopefully there will be some appreciation of my explanation without making D1’s world darker for knowing and being told what it means.
“What does the N-word mean dad?”
“Pardon D1?”
“I heard someone say that the N-word is bad. What is it?”
“Where did you hear that?”
“I can’t remember. It might have been from…” and she reels off some names, potential TV programmes, and some social media outlets that she has obviously got access to, and follows it with, “Is it a bad swear word?” So I take a deep breath, and start to try to tell her in a way that she’ll ‘get’. I sit her down and look at her. I tell her that it is the worst word in the world. She will see how bad it is by someone’s reaction and when they’re upset. I tell her that when someone is angry with this, she needs to stand up for them and stand with them. I tell her that the word means everything that has been and still is wrong with the world. That sometimes she’ll hear it, and depending on who says it to who, the person may not mean it in a bad way.
That was the hardest part. How could I explain that no white person has this right to use it, but she may hear it between black friends in a different context? I tell her that she will never have the right to use this word because people who look like us have used this in the worst possible way. That people who use it are horrible and cruel and thy bully people because they can’t think for themselves. Ultimately because people who use it like this are the worst people in the world.
D1 sat and listened, and took all of this in, only questioning once, and again massively surprised me. She asked me, “Is it something I will figure out for myself? It’s a bit confusing, a bit like bubbles at school, but really bad.” Yes… it is confusing, especially when you’re wide-eyed, growing from a little child into a bigger kid. She’s only a couple of years from secondary school where she will be crossing paths with 18 and 19 year olds at VI Form on a daily basis.
With that question I am unsure that I took the right approach. There was no way I could ignore it, as there isn’t a straightforward response. I have black friends that detest the use. I have black friends that I have heard use it in a friendly way to their black friends. This part I told D1 that she would see this sometimes, and it may confuse her. I I told her it was down to others’ reactions as to how to judge the scenario. What I know is, that she, in a tiny way, understood my message. Something as small as saying one word can shape you into a person that you never want to be. That the wrong word to anyone can hurt anyone more than being shoved over in the playground. As a result she looked at me, and said:
“I won’t ever say it dad. I want to be a good person.”.
That sentence made more proud than any school report ever could. I don’t know if the way I handled this situation was right or wrong and I am in no position as to advise how to tackle it. What I will say is, don’t avoid it. Never avoid trying to teach our children, and never avoid being a parent that swerves these sort of questions. The questions that make us all think. I have found that as a parent children ask the questions that pose the most difficult questions. Adults manipulate and twist questions to get the response they are looking for. The worlds leaders, save a handful, are the prime examples of this.
Stand up, be counted. Make considered answers and never be afraid to teach.
