Apologies for no article yesterday I was in hospital having my fucking sides stitched up after they split wide open from spending the entire day PISSING MYSELF LAUGHING at what’s just happened…
I mean, you are SHITTING me right??? I mean, seriously…you are taking the piss yeah? This is a massive joke and Jeremy Beadle is going to rise from his grave to present me with a Beadle’s About award for being so gullible right?
Clearly not content with lifting the anchor and sailing bravely away from European shores, bollock naked wearing the lovely new invisible clothes we recently bought from Farage, the Tories had two last surprises in store for us…
As before, sailing into the sunset having raised anchor on Europe, captained by our great leader Bimble Johnson, setting sail on an adventure into the unknown with Gustav Holst’s Jupiter blaring out from the gramophone… Bimble Johsnon has literally just stood up from his deck chair on the Great ship Brittania, tied a rope to the steering wheel, set course for NOWHERE, clapped his hands together, exclaimed “Righty Ho” and literally walked off the plank into the sea.
He just abandoned us….He literally just did that. I feel like Lex from Jurassic Park when Dr Grant runs off and she’s sat there in an upside down car with a Tyrannosaurus Rex prowling outside…”he…he left us”…
He took us out of Europe. Didn’t expect anyone would be so stupid as to follow him and now he’s realised the monumental fuck up he’s created, has literally told the country “Right, that’s me then. See you later and good luck”…
HOW IN THE FUCK DOES CAMERON GET TO RESIGN WHEN HE WANTS, FORCE US OUT OF EUROPE, DECIDE WHEN WE ACTUALLY DO LEAVE EUROPE AND THEN THE C*NT WHO LED US OUT HAS NOW ABANDONED FUCKING SHIP AND WIPED HIS FUCKING HANDS CLEAN????? WHAT. THE. ACTUAL. FUCK. JUST. HAPPENED???????
I’d quickly like to address the Corbyn issue before moving on to the horror that Boris won’t be going for PM in a minute. Not a horror that the bungling buffoon is gone, oh no. That’s pure pleasure, relief even. Reminiscent of the time my right bollock swelled up to about five times its normal size and I had to go to hospital. The feeling I got after five days of antibiotics and having been poked and prodded by numerous junior doctors fondling my plums while tutting and oohing, the same level of relief I got once THAT had cleared up. That’s the relief I equate Bimble’s resignation to – Equivalent to my enormous bollock returning to its normal size after five days of excruciating pain..…aaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh…..
Knowing that we no longer have to watch that incompetent oaf stumble about the place like drunken rugby supporter is great news and I hope many, many more Tories follow suit and jump off a ship into the murky black sea.
The horror is WHAT and WHO he’s left behind…Again, let me address Corbyn first.
Soooo, Corbyn is being outed by his backstabbing, treacherous, Blairite fuckstick of a so called Labour party. The PERFECT opportunity to get the Tories out and to show how inept, incompetent, full of shit they all are and just what a mess they’ve made…AN OPEN FUCKING GOAL for Labour and what happens??? The Labour Party commit suicide…
They were given the equivalent of a penalty in the last seconds of the World Cup Final. They’ve chosen their captain to take the penalty (Corbyn) and he’s placed the ball on the spot, taken a few steps back, ran up to the ball, leg posed for an almighty belter right into the top corner of the Tory net and just as his foot connects with the ball, the goalie dives the wrong way…it’s a dead cert…there’s no way he can miss this…THE ENTIRE LABOUR TEAM RUN IN FRONT OF THE FUCKING BALL AND FUCKING HEADs IT OFF THE LINE….?????
I am genuinely confused or something’s going on that I’m not party to, say perhaps, the Chilcot report?
Maybe Tony Blair’s mates don’t want him to be tried as a war criminal and are trying to oust Corbyn so he has no sway when the report comes out? Who knows, either way you just fucked up BIG time Corbyn and I support you fully but when you were taking that penalty, you failed to cash in on the situation and basically you tied your shoelaces together before you took that penalty so you’re not in the clear either I’m afraid…
Either way, all this horse shit about Corbyn being unelectable…Again, you are SHITTING me aren’t you???
Corbyn is unelectable they cry. I’m going to resign says Angela Eagle. He’s way too calm, collected, intelligent, caring, unprejudiced, not bought and paid for, has way too much integrity and wants equality and fairness for all and not just the rich and privileged…the BASTARD…He’ll never make leader, no, no noooooo. ANGELA FUCKING EAGLE IS MORE ELECTABLE THAN CORBYN????? ARE YOU FUCKING SHITTING MEEEEE?????
Who the FUCK is SHE to say HE isn’t electable but have some fucked up delusion that SHE is???? WHAT THE FUCK PEOPLE??? EVEN HER OWN CONSTITUENCY TOLD HER TO GET FUCKED AND THEY’RE VOTING FOR CORBYN???? STITCH UP MUCH???
If she got into power, would all the shadow cabinet have to having rhyming animal names as well? Angela Eagle??? You’re having me on…
“I would like to address the right Honourable Sandra Seagull on her policy about immigration….”
“Perhaps Bertie Bluetit would care to add something to this debate?”
“Order. ORRRDEERR I say. Would the right honourable Terry Terrapin please let his learned colleague Derek Dolphin finish his sentence….”
In short, yesterday, the man who told us he was a fireman and not to worry (Bimble Johnson), just set fire to the house we all live in and instead of putting out the fire, said “cheerio”, walked out the door and locked us all inside to burn…all the while everyone is blaming Corbyn who had nothing to do with it, may as well have blamed Mr T from the A-Team, and are trying to overthrow him because he is unelectable because he is intelligent and calm and thoughtful and wants equality and fairness and doesn’t play silly name calling games in the houses of parliament and instead they want an electable leader….like Angelina Balle-fucking-rina??????
Back to the horror…Not content with all of the above and literally sticking the boot in, the Tories offer up their selection of eminently electable leaders….
Crabb, Gove and May….Allow me…
Crabb. You think homosexuality can be cured. You can go fuck yourself on just that alone. Are we genuinely on the verge of becoming the 51st state of America??? Only redneck, inbred, cousin fuckers from Texas think shit like that. Seriously. Only the Westboro Baptist Church and insane evangelical CUNTS think like that and we are on the verge of putting one of these fucks at the helm of the party who have just destroyed this country and jumped ship??? You’re all fucking MAD.
Ok, that’s Crabb out the way and the other two I can’t even be arsed to deal with, just know they’ve supported all wars and voted to cut benefits at every single turn and paid very little tax.
Those lot have no chance. Cannon fodder basically. There are two many bigger candidates I have to address….
Gove and May…
You voted for Tories to cut benefits to the point poor people eat out of fucking food banks while at the same Tories cut taxes for the rich while charging poor people for a second bedroom, again, forcing them to eat out of food banks. On top of which, these same Tories told you they were going to curb immigration after the referendum, save 350 million a week and plough it back in to the economy and we’re going to make all the rules from now on…only they lied about all three. No money for the NHS they admit AFTER the referendum. Can’t control the borders, they lied and admitted AFTER the referendum and if we want access to the single market we have to have free movement of people which is a rule set by the EU…so we DO have to follow their rules…
Lie after fucking lie after fucking lie and some of you daft twats keep lapping them up. Not only have you caused these problems by voting these scumbags in, you’ve let your masters jump ship and leave you without a captain and NOW…NOW they’re offering you THESE two as ELECTABLE candidates…???
POB and fucking ZELDA from the Terrahawks…or Gove and May…or as I like to call them – Michael “Gove-UCK YOURSELF” and “Theresa May-BE FUCKING NOT THANK YOU”….
Seriously, after all the shit they’ve put this country through, the only scumbags they can offer up to now to captain this sinking ship are….
ORRRRRRRRR, you lucky buggers you…..
You now literally have the choice to vote between two eighties TV characters, both of whom, are perfect representations of the MP themselves.
Let’s start with May/Zelda shall we?
They say beauty comes from within…Well, May must have the gates of HELL inside her…the entrance to HADES….If beauty on the outside is a reflection of beauty on the inside, this child snatcher from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang must have fucking UUUUUGLY insides…. (I don’t care about her gender so don’t accuse me of misogyny – it’s because she is a Tory drone. Simple!)
Like she didn’t fall out of the ugly tree, she fucking ATE the ugly tree….she chopped that tree down, took her time whittling ugly knives and forks from the ugly branches, made a nice table and set of chairs too from the ugly trunk then mashed the rest of the ugly tree up, ate it with ugly cutlery sitting on an ugly chair at an ugly table and then she ate the fucking cutlery, table and chairs and washed it down with a glass of EEEEWWWW, what the FUCK is THAT juice????
She looks harrowed. Her face is the definition of ghoulish….She looks like a cross between Emperor Palpatine from Star Wars and Edvard Munch’s painting – The Scream…
She looks like the baddie at the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark whose face melts off, had a three way with a bag of gravel and Freddy Kreuger….
This woman is banned from most supermarkets because whenever she walks past the milk section, it all goes off…a face so sour she looks like a bulldog chewing a wasp that’s chewing a fucking lemon….
She’s so fucking ugly that when her mum gave birth, they didn’t smack the baby, they smacked her MOTHER….
Now, I’m not one to pick on people’s physical features as I firmly believe it to be beneath us all. We were all born the way we were and we have a hand of cards we have to play with but in this woman’s case I can make an exception.
She’s ugly outside because she’s fucking ugly inside. Her face is haggard because she’s a cunt basically and it shines through her skin and is projected onto her face.
This is the woman who ok’d a fucking van to drive around London telling immigrants to fuck off home…Literally a bus saying GO HOME OR HAND YOURSELVES IN…
This is the woman who wants to make up her own human rights and get rid of the existing ones.
The woman in charge of immigration who doesn’t have a fucking clue how many immigrants there are in the country.
I’d rather Zelda actually ran for PM rather than this monster…..
As for POB…
You are having a fucking LAUGH aren’t you????
A man who makes Bimble Johnson look like fucking Einstein.
This guy was branded as one of the Tories heavy weight intellectuals by the BBC…having run a campaign of propaganda and lies and telling everyone NOT TO LISTEN TO THE EXPERTS AND TO LISTEN TO HIM…A FUCKING INTELECTUAL HEAVYWEIGHT WHO DOESN’T LISTEN TO EXPERTS??? RIGHTO THEN, SEEMS LEGIT….aaaarggghh…it actually hurts my brain thinking about it.
This is the guy who pissed off every single person in the Education sector to the point he got removed for doing such a shit job…Just like Jeremy Hunt is currently doing to the NHS staff…only that Hunt kept his job, only the people didn’t let that scumbag win over the contracts and he backed down just like this dribble of spunk that should have been wiped on the curtains rather than be the one in a billion that made it, will do shortly…
This guy is a walking advert for contraception…or very late abortion…
This guy categorically stated he WAS NOT GOING TO GO FOR PM…then backtracked…like Boris who said he WAS GOING FOR PM and now isn’t…having said we’d spend 350million on the NHS…then won’t, after saying that we will take back control of our borders…which we won’t…I mean, just how many fucking lies does it take for you to just, STOP. Look at what the fuck is going on, how many lies you’re being told and make you think “Wooooooooah there, that shit ain’t right”…I mean, literally, what the fuck will it take for you to realise the shower of shit you voted in is just playing with you like a cat with a mouse….
Say one thing to get your vote, then retract that when you elect them, then resign so it’s somebody else’s problem and you’re stood there all the fucking while going…D’uuuh, ok then…can we blame Jeremy Corbyn now???
Ladies and gentlemen I bring you your next PM….
The man who permanently looks like what he thought was a fart…wasn’t
The woman who had to have LESSONS ON HOW TO FUCKING STAND UP…AND FAILED…..AT STANDING UP….