It is with a trembling heart that I write to you today. I’ve been dying to for so long now. You see, I wrote to your predecessor, Dave, almost every day for almost two years, but I always somehow knew that his shining, but sometimes flaccid, presence in Parliament was merely a placeholder for the throbbing Member that has taken his place and filled my deprived and gaping hole.

You might think me odd for contacting you precisely at the time when the world is learning of your impending marriage and another baby on the way, but you see, I realise this is the perfect time, because I know this is just your process. Your first marriage ended because your new girlfriend was having your baby. Your second marriage included a four year affair with someone else that resulted in two abortions. See, to me, that just says that you know what you want and you won’t be held back by things like rubber barriers or faithfulness.

And even when you were accused of having another affair after that one, you gave that mistress a job. And then you went and had a daughter with someone completely different. In fact, you’ve fathered so many children in your long and distinguished life that statistically, there is the tiniest chance I may even be one of them. (God forbid. Though I’m sure not even that would stop you now, you unstoppable rogue, you.)

So I write in the hope that one day it will be me who’ll be the one the neighbours call the police over on, after hearing screaming and banging from the room in which we share. It’ll be me who you cheat on your pregnant wife with. And it’ll be me you end up employing as your personal candlestick polisher.

I am just sorry it has taken me this long. I think I was waiting for a sign. And you gave me one. As I glanced across my Twitter feed, a place on which you’re always on top, your first few words I just somehow knew were written for me:

“Let’s make this year the moment when we come together…”
That’s actually quite an unusual thing to happen to a woman, but I’m sure it happens all the time for you.

Yes, my darling, let’s come together.

Katy Anchant

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