Govt: We’re talking to supermarkets about food supply
Supermarkets: You’re not.
Govt: There’s a shortage of chemicals
Chemicals companies: There isn’t
Govt: The science has changed
Scientists: No it hasn’t
Govt: We never got the email
EU: Yes you did (and you were in the meetings)
Govt: 25,000 tests per day
PHE: 7,000 tests per day
Govt: Ventilator companies are making ventilators for us Ventilator Companies: you never got back to us. Dyson are though.
Govt: We’ve got 30,000 ventilators coming
Dyson: actually, it’s 30 for now
Govt: PPE has been delivered
NHS: No it hasn’t
Govt: We’ve created the Nightingale
Nurses: but no one can staff it though.
Govt: Unprecedented economic package!
Self-employed: Not until June!
Govt: Banks will give you short term loans
Banks: 40% overdraft rates and we want your home as collateral
Govt: We’re writing off NHS debt
Us: It’s not debt, you’re just acknowledging you’ve *underfunded* – debt’s not possible for a national service
Govt: Save the NHS
Me: You bastards have been killing it for the last decade
Govt: We are not pursuing Herd immunity
WHO: Yes you are
Govt: We are not lying
Media: oh ok, good job old boy
PLOT TWIST… when the Tory rags are yelling that they are lying and aren’t doing a good job you know they’re lying and not doing a good job.
Credit: Alan Mason pinched this off me, updated it, so I’ve pinched it back – thanks Alan, your version is so much better!
