Seismic shifts in personal consciousness happen. For me this has been going on for months now and I can see the tantalising bits of cloth floating around me, but I can’t get my fingers on them to read what’s in the weave and weft to gather a fuller picture.

Part of me doesn’t want to do politics any more. The separation between them and us is so vast now, as they hand out dismalness to the masses, that I don’t want to play in their fields of broken dreams any more. This hideous focus on politicians and their god awful ways completely eclipses the real lives and quality of life of ordinary people. Specifically and pertinently for me, my life. The lights of goodness and wholesomeness slowly get overwhelmed, or eclipsed, by their dystopian insanity even though never eradicated completely because goodness and wholesomeness are innately natural to us.

That is a rotten way to live and the more dismal they are, the more they control us with that dismalness, dutifully pumped into our lives and homes by the media.

Have I nothing better to do? Like taking my shoes and socks off and walking on good wet green grass, feeling this great earth with my feet. And the truth is, I am a stranger to living like that, I don’t know how to do it and I am constrained by what others might think of me. I read and hear a lot of talk about freedom, but I don’t see much of it in people.

A counsellor friend said to me many years ago, “Has it ever occurred to you that what other people think of you is none of your business?” I do not know how to stop making it my business, such that I fear to live on the basis of what people might think of me before I have even done one damned thing. My experience of people is that in the main they do not encourage others, rather they like to find fault and put others down. The rule book of life, written but mostly unwritten, learnt through a process of osmosis, is vast and complex, designed to keep us in our place, never to venture outside the constraints that surround us in our minds.

I’ve broken so many rules in my life, to my very great benefit and greatest pleasures.

So what now? I ask myself. I am not content, I am not happy, I am bored and tired of being constrained by me. I have learnt all the rules of psychological self imprisonment and they are, to a letter, shit.

I want to break free. Because? Life, love, passion, care, kindness, beauty, quality, tenderness, concern and consideration, gifts and music, tree bark, sunsets, autumn leaves and the first snowflake of winter, all part of the overwhelming blessings of life.

There can surely be no question that life is an amazing phenomenon. Looking back I am enraged that I was held a prisoner of the education system for 11 years. Every day was a torment as I yearned for the life that was denied me, punitively and ignorantly. The entire education system was blind to what it inflicted day in day out, year in year out. The basics I left school with I could have learnt in months, had I felt the necessity and the desire, for the rest of it I was imprisoned against my will, which was, by the end, essentially broken.

My education in the 50’s and 60’s was remarkably similar to this present Tory government. It was paternalistic, top down, punitive and repressive, rewarding conformity and obedience. It was as much a failure as the present government, which has learnt nothing of or from human progress.

I am tired of my own rage against the dismal dystopia of this government. At 67 I want and demand better than this. The government has no right to impose their dismal policies upon us; their policies of attrition against us to benefit and enrich the few. The power does not confer the right and crimes against humanity are still crimes even if the government change the law to support such crimes. They want to scrap the human rights act, and will at some point if they are allowed to remain in power, but any breach of our human rights will remain a crime regardless. The right to life is the right to live by virtue of being born, the systemic starving children is, by dint of our inalienable humanity, a crime by any standards.

It is no pipe dream to want a better world, and it is not futile to work for that. I have spent my life working to improve the lives of the young people I worked with, to empower and support them.

I am, above all, a thinker and a dreamer. I have been castigated and criticised for both all my life. In infant school a friend and I loved to write stories and both of us once had stories in the school magazine. By the time we left infant school neither of us wrote stories any more, that love of writing stories had been punished out of us.

It was not until I became an adult that I was able to question that level of mindless, punitive, paternalistic ignorance and stupidity. Attentive readers will note, my attitude to authority remains largely unchanged to this day, as does authority. That is an education, of sorts, if never what they intended. A better one.

Yesterday I was driving back from hospital where I was seen by an Oncologist. It’s always a full house, and we’re there to make the best of our time on earth. Positive. For me it is about cannabis oil and having the tumour in my groin measured which is 2cm larger than 4 months ago. That’s disappointing but we decide to do nothing at this time as it’s not causing any problems. I will carry one with the cannabis oil but that’s not part of their programme, it’s just part of me and my programme and I must seek answers amongst friends and allies. I ask about them prescribing me Cannabis oil and am told that they cannot, it’s heavily restricted and not available for cancer treatment. Ha ha ha, of course it isn’t. Drugs minister, Victoria Atkins, has spoken out against both legalising and regulating cannabis, yet her husband has a license to grow medicinal cannabis and profits by it and its continued restriction. Isn’t that nice for them?

Driving home, there is a road that flows over the hills and the view from the summit was breathtaking. There was a slight mist in the valley which the sun had set ablaze and the earth shone as if exuding a light of its own. I laughed out loud because it was so beautiful it filled me with joy. I couldn’t stop and take a picture and I laughed at myself for wanting to. I’d never have captured what had just happened and there would be no laughter to accompany it. It was best as it was, true beauty in passing, just like life. Yes, just like life.

Why oh why do they not teach us in school to enjoy life?

It doesn’t really matter why, what matters is that they don’t. That says it all.

Keith Ordinary Guy.

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