Most of us are aware of the real ‘big issue’ on EU Election Day. Was it Strawberry Milkshake or was it Cherry Yoghurt? Was it thrown over a brave pensioner and veteran paratrooper by an anti-democratic yob or tipped and spooned over himself or by an accomplice to elicit sympathy, public outrage and last-minute votes?
CSI Investigators have been hard at work trying to unearth and examine the evidence. Videos and photos have been scrutinised. The police have yet to release any CCTV footage despite there being a camera directly across the road from the scene of the crime – surprising given the arrest and charge of the Farage Milkshaker. And it probably is the ‘scene of a crime’ – one way or another!
Photos of Brexit Company teller Don MacNaughton’s attire clearly show the substance to be well above the 78% viscosity required to be ‘chuckable’. This means it was a) not milkshake and b) not chucked but poured or spooned. The large cherry pieces are also somewhat of a giveaway. Don’t get them in milkshake. They tend to block the straw.
A twitter user (presumably having trawled through the latest Which? and Good Housekeeping surveys) narrowed the substance down to Tesco Finest Black Cherry Yoghurt which, from the photos, is an exceptional match. Rather surprisingly, David Videcette, a retired Met Police detective disputed this claim on the basis that Tesco was a mile away, arguing that it must therefore be a milkshake from the nearby Co-op. Strange not to consider the fact that the photo evidence shows that it is rather obviously Cherry Yoghurt and strange not to consider the possibility that it came in Don MacNaughton’s packed lunch along with the half-eaten sandwich which can be seen in his hand in some photos.
Brexit Company supporters were surprisingly quick to get the story out. Outraged tweets were twatted by Piers Morgan and Farage, the Daily Fail called him a ‘war hero’ and went with “despite his great age, retired Para hero Don MacNaughton was on duty outside a polling booth” and The Sun did their thing with: “Following the shake assault, British Army veteran Don refused to leave his post outside North Town Community Base until polls closed at 10pm.” Photos of brave ex-Paras flanking old Don swiftly followed.
And, just as quickly, Justgiving and Go Fund Me pages were set up to provide patriotic Election Day publicity and to raise thousands for poor Don, separating Brexit supporters from their cash in much the same way as Farage has.
And thinking about it, this is exactly Farage’s message: “You’ve all had milkshake thrown over you (‘you’ve been betrayed’)…. now send me money!” But of course, it’s not milkshake at all: it’s cherry yoghurt….. and it’s been spooned over everyone by Farage, Johnson, Rees Mogg and others.
Tom Lane
