Satire: Sherborne Folk Advised to be Vigilant

What with the scary events in Salisbury being so close to home I would urge Sherborne residents to be vigilant and to keep an eye out for suspicious behaviour or people as it seems we are heading towards cold war 2.0 – ‘cold harder‘!.

if you are in the station cafe enjoying breakfast and see 2 large guys in orange jackets then think – are they harmless rail employees, or minions of a secret organisation plotting world domination? Or that bald guy sat outside the Pear Tree having a frothy coffee? Look twice, he may be stroking a white cat under the table!

Watch out for local businesses coming under new ownership, such as a local indian restaurant changing its name to ‘Raj-Putins’, or a local small supermarket being renamed Moscow-op.

I know you all enjoy coffee, but please avoid russian brands as they may contain traces of radioactive materials, though on the plus side they do have have a shelf half life of 20,000 years.

The town’s schools are a notorious breeding ground for MP’s , international businessman/women , foreign office employees, the occasional drunk, and also spies – both for M16 and …more exotic countries who may be using them as child James Bonds!

Are they really taking photos of the abbey, or planning to use it’s spire to hide a missile complex? Are they really sketching the new castle, or making notes of its defensive capabilities?

And please avoid accepting lifts from attractive folk in fast cars, usually ferraris or vintage Aston Martins as passengers generally have bad experiences in those types of cars.

It is also rumoured that a nameless taxi driver from a firm in town is a Russian sleeper agent, and all we know is his codename ….’Carlsberg’.

So please keep an eye out for anything out of the ordinary and we will do our bit in defending this country from both domestic and international threats!

Steven Larnder