Prime Minister,
It has come to my notice that a fresh wave of shirking and scrounging has manifested in these final months of the coalition government. It is sincerely hoped that the Work & Pensions Secretary will be instructing his Department to be jumping all over the backs of those who think they can get away with this socially destructive misbehaviour unnoticed. I refer, in case you were unaware of the identities of the culprits, to the following:
- A Tory MP who, while well-fed and adequately heated in his home, chose to sit for a number of hours playing Candy Crush on his taxpayer-funded iPad instead of paying his whole and proper attention to a meeting dealing with State pensions;
- Lords who have point-blank and with the utmost selfishness refused to assist in cost reductions in Wasteminster because they feel that the vintage of their taxpayer-funded champagne would be adversely affected;
- MP’s who are looking forward to leaving for their weekends as early as Wednesdays, in spite of there being no intention to dock their wages and pay them their enormous salaries pro rata for the two days a week that they will be compelled to actually do what the public employs them for.
Now, clearly these examples of blatant shirking and scrounging cannot be permitted to continue as there is still a deficit to be reduced and it’s actually increasing as I type, with the OECD saying that wealth inequality has been responsible for stunting the growth of Britain’s economy by nine percentage points. Apart from the economic considerations, just imagine how ordinary hard-working family adults will feel, walking past the homes of these MP’s in the early morning, and seeing their curtains still drawn while they snooze away their lives on five-day weekends paid for out of already-shrunken taxation revenues! I am certain, knowing the calibre of certain, particularly rabid tabloid journalists, that this contentment to live on large estates, in receipt of endless taxpayer handouts while lazing around watching 50-inch publicly funded plasma TV’s, will be enough to send the press into a frenzy of finger-pointing and outright vilification of these people who claim that, try as they might, they cannot find any legislative work to do. To allow this to happen would be utterly inhumane, don’t you agree? It’s just copycat behaviour, besides, having been instigated by a malicious memorandum networked deliberately by a man so small that it is impossible to tell most of the time whether he is standing or sitting on a high stool. Obviously his intention was to disrupt the economic recovery by causing a manufactured reduction in the number of oppressive laws being passed by these MP’s and that will not do at all. The general public has come to expect at least one of these laws to be passed each week, because it gives us the comfort of knowing we are receiving value for our money and it makes us feel like part of “the team.”
I’ve always wanted to know, by the way, is Michael Gove really Penfold’s alter-ego?
Anyway, my curiosity aside, it is highly necessary that the DWP should do everything in its power to help these hard-core shirkers, many of whom have not done a proper day’s work in several generations of Parliament, to re-evaluate their lives and get them back into a working frame of mind. For too long many of them, especially in the Lords, have been content to just sign on, take the money and then spend the entire day either pissed out of their tiny minds, or snoring their lives away on comfy couches. That is if they bother to even stay at their posts for more than forty minutes, of course, when it’s obviously more enjoyable to go trawling the amusement arcades for nice, friendly young people to “hang out” with (so to speak). (How’s that enquiry coming along, by the way?) The long-suffering, hard-working taxpayers of this country will want you to “get on” and correct matters in the speediest manner possible. If whatever action your W&P Secretary takes ends up driving these shirkers to seek sustenance from subsidised restaurants, so be it. After all, Mr Duncan Smith has now tacitly admitted, in the wake of a recent report, to which the Church of England contributed, that there is definitely a link between enforced income reduction and reliance upon food handouts, and Lady Jenkins has inadvertently let slip in a correction to her recent statement that it’s not just poor people who don’t know how to cook. Of course, that means that Duncan Smith and Lord Freud are guilty of having lied in their teeth for the past three and a half years, but the public has become used to that as well. Ages ago, as a matter of fact. What’s happened to Fraudy The Turncoat Serial City Banking Laughingstock, by the way? Checking down the back of the many sofas in his huge house for money to pay Labour’s proposed mansion tax, is he? Whatever he’s up to, at least it’s keeping him quiet and out of mischief.
If I might suggest: The use of hard-hitting sanctions has been found, so we are told by the forever untruthful Mr Duncan Smith and Lord Freud, to be quite efficacious in other spheres of work when it comes to dealing with hard-core shirkers, so it would be most beneficial to taxpayers for those same sanctions to be rolled out on a Wasteminster-wide basis as soon as possible. After all, we’re all in it together, aren’t we, Prime Minister?
Sincerely,
Darren Lynch
