A nation is in mourning

Tommy Robinson (real name Stephen Yaxley-Lennon, also known as ‘Andrew McMaster’, ‘Paul Harris’ and the delightfully onanistic ‘Wayne King’), has been banned from Facebook because of an Islamic / Zionist plot called ‘The Law of Consequences’.

So for the next few months, in honour of the 21st century’s People’s Princess, I’m going to be running a Tommy Robinson Replacement Service to maintain some kind of continuity while Tommy’s on the naughty step.

Here’s what you can expect:

1. EVERYTHING WRITTEN IN SHOUTING

2. I will teach all the naughty Muslims how to obey British laws by systematically breaking British laws

3. I will make Englishmen feel STRONG AND POWERFUL AND BRAVE by telling them that they’re being victimised every time a 6-year-old girl wears a headscarf to the park

4. I will FIGHT to return Britain to the good old days of the 1970s, when all the child rapists were decent white men

5. I will make grandiose speeches about the noble spirit of England and the ancient battle of Christianity versus Islam while shovelling so much cocaine up my nose that my farts will be entitled to Colombian citizenship

6. I will deny that my farts are my farts because I don’t like foreigners

7. I will bring back the Spirit of the Blitz by acting like the people who carried out the Blitz

8. I will fight the intolerance and bigotry of Islam using my trusty sword of intolerance and my shining shield of bigotry

9. I will fundamentally misunderstand the concept of free speech by insisting that private companies should broadcast my words whether they agree with them or not, rather than grasping that the guarantor of my free speech is our independent judiciary, not Mark Zuckerberg. (OK, not the funniest of these points but important nevertheless.)

10. I will enter a monogamous sexual relationship with my right hand.

*

Goodbye England’s plum
May you never grow in our hearts
You were the guy who got put in prison
For broadcasting outside our courts.

You called out to our country
And almost nobody replied
You incited hatred against a Syrian schoolboy
Then admitted that you’d lied.

Your goosteps will always fall here
Along England’s greenest hills
Your Facebook page reached its end long before
Your substantial legal bills.

Emlyn Pearce