Martin Ison looks at why Wizzard got it wrong and thinks that Christmas every day might be bad for the economy….
Merry Christmas, everyone!
Well I say that. But I don’t really mean it.
What I really mean is: I hope you survive the next few days of constantly buying stuff that no-one really wants, nor actually really needs… in the hopes that you’ll get some things that you know you don’t really want, nor actually really need.
‘Festival of Consumerism’
Let’s face it, it’s the ‘Festival of Consumerism’, where we prostrate ourselves upon the steps of the Temple of Argos, sacrifice our flexible friends upon the fire of Lord Overdraft, whilst praying for a Black & Decker pressure-washer. (Did you keep the receipt?).
What I really should be saying is: Merry Consumermas, everyone!
There was once an ancient pagan Wizzard who was the guardian of a shiny, glamorous rock – or a glam-rock, as it was once called. And long ago he wrote this incantation that echoed down the ages:
“I Wish It Could Be Christmas Every Day …”
But did the Wizzard really consider what he was wishing for?
Imagine if we really DID have Christmas every day. Nobody would have a job nor get paid… so they would be constantly running up a massive credit card bill – which would then never be paid off because nobody could afford to. Unless, of course, you are a taxi-driver; in which case, you would be able to make a fortune every day: being among the richest and most sane people in the country. Yes, having an Uber account is only time I would wish for Christmas every day.
And don’t forget, having consecutive Christmas Days would also mean that each day would ALSO be Christmas Eve AND Boxing Day simultaneously. This means everyone would be either constantly pissed on the day… AND hungover from the day before… AND racked with guilt at not buying enough and dreading the next day – all at the same time. Imagine the constant tears!
The economy would be constantly booming and busting on a daily basis. Sales would be always up by 50% — and yet at the same time, the economy would be in constant collapse because everything was bought on credit and – because no-one’s actually working – there would be no money to pay off all those bills… economic turmoil ensues! No change there, then…
The Chancellor and Prime Minister would be useless because they would be constantly off their heads on Tia Maria and making stupid inexplicable decisions that no-one could account for – again, no change there, then…
Turkeys would be simultaneously in fear of their lives, dead, AND being conceived – all packed by Bernard Schrödinger’s in Norfolk. People would be eating a turkey dinner / left-overs curry / bits-and-bobs salad, then constantly waddling down to Tesco’s before it shuts and scrambling over each other to buy another turkey with a yellow reduced-priced ticket that was marginally before / on / yet just past, its sell-by date…
Every day would feature a Queen’s speech about an annis horribulis of constant 365 Christmases and more Queen’s speeches telling us – in Latin – how horrible they were… but she would be virtually unintelligible because she too would be off her head on Tia Maria…
Fights break out to Silent Night
We’d all be watching this Latin-based spittle projecting Christmas speech unfurl on the pub’s wide-screen Sky TV because, don’t forget, it’s also Christmas Eve and traditionally that’s when we’re expected to all get pissed in the local … BUT … the landlord stops serving everyone at 3 O’clock in the afternoon because, well, it’s Christmas, so he and the rest of the staff are taking the evening off.
Fights break out across the land to the tune of Silent Night… the distant roar of Black & Decker pressure washers being used as an offensive weapons…
But let’s not forget that every day is ALSO Boxing Day – so it’s also the day after the day before…
So everyone’s off down to the sales, where everything is twice the price and half the price at the same time. Retailers snigger as they drink their pints with a chair being broken over their heads. We’re all freezing to death in the sales queues cooking our Christmas dinner on camping stoves, then buying Black & Decker pressure-washers, so we can open them that afternoon before shoving them up a landlord’s arse for closing early… then selling them on Ebay because we’ve already got one (not a landlord’s arse, a pressure-washer)… going down to Tesco’s for a Turkey … then down the pub … only to find the landlord’s not selling any beer… more fights… someone’s eye is taken out by a jet of water… Annis f’kin’ horribulis – another Tia, Phillip?… Silent Night… here – have a turkey sandwich… aaaghhhh!
I don’t wish it would be Christmas every day.
I can only just stomach it on a yearly basis.
Merry Consumermas everybody!